Normally, I would use this space to explain how you’re using the Internet wrong or convince you to watch more Star Trek. But, I’m ceding my weekly space to warn everyone I care about (you, the readers that I certainly don’t multiply by thousands whenever I brag about a post “going viral”) about a grave threat to our national security.
A foe from our past has picked up their old habits and started behaving irresponsibly in Europe. I mean, of course, the Germans and their insatiable polar bear infatuation.
This is a special SeriouslyGuys War on Animals report on A Pair of Knuts: Germany’s polar bear breeding program run amok.
We all remember Knut.
Born in captivity at the Berlin Zoological Garden, he quickly became a cult of personality, enrapturing the once peaceful, unthreatening German people and seducing them into acts of unspeakable devotion.
But it wasn’t long before Knut revealed his true, sinister purpose: devouring Western Europe and then, a few other continents later, the world. Even his appeasers couldn’t contain his aggression for long, declaring much too late that Knut had become a psychopath.
But it was too late. The German people began sacrificing themselves to Knut’s ideal world where a master race of white Aryan bears rule and all others are food.
Fortunately, the Thousand Bear Reich ended after only three years. Knut ended his own life with a brain problem to the head.
The German people regained their sanity. Everyone claimed that they didn’t know what was happening behind the zoo walls, or that they were only following cuteness. But, even though your average German pretends to enjoy their new humacracy, they still keep Knut’s preserved body on display.
That should have been the end. But we let down our guard, and now the Munich Zoo has resumed ursuscism with not one, but two polar bear cubs.
Enjoy Crimea while you can, Putin. But I wouldn’t sign any non-aggression acts with Germany anytime soon.