Halloween is less than a week into the ground, which means that it’s already Christmas in the malls and strip clubs of America. (Sure, they say “holidays,” but the only store with blue lights is K-Mart.) Why do they start so early? Because some people actually buy gifts that early. Crazy, I know?
The rest of us wait until the last minute because, well, giving isn’t about me. The only thing I give on a regular occasion is this column. But, as I mentioned before, I’m trying to be a better person … at least until I get my presents. So, in this vein, I’m trying to say that it is always better to give than receive, even if the other person doesn’t really want it.
What I’m talking about are gifts that make you feel good for giving them, but the receiver never wanted. Call ‘em gag gifts or messages, who cares? You gave, and now you feel better.
For the elderly
Everybody wants to get their elderly friends and relative youthful gifts like iPods and vibrators. While that’s a good idea because you’ll probably inherit them soon, it’s a bad idea because you’ve just volunteered for tech support. And that means answering questions like, “How does this play records?” and “Can this only go in my vagina?”
Instead, get them something useful at a technological level that even the most Alzheimer’s wreaked brain can wrap around: books. Plus, they have all the time in the worl—okay, not all of the time, but more time than you to read a whole book. I suggest the following titles:
- The Art of Dying: The Only Book for Persons Facing Their Death
- War Diaries 1939-1945 (You know, so they can get their World War II lies straight.)
- Kitty Cat, Kitty Cat, Are You Waking Up? (Features large text and, I assume, more death preparation.)
For children
I don’t have kids. And, until middle school, my friends didn’t either. But, now they’re all going sex crazy (only kidnappers go “baby crazy” because they don’t make their own) and popping out kids left and right.
So, the big problem is getting gifts that won’t offend their parents’ ideology, won’t make noise in your home and the kid might actually like.
Duct tape: You know how kids always have more fun with boxes? How about the tape so powerful that the post office won’t allow it on boxes? Since children don’t grow their hair until 4th grade (right?), there’s no chance that they’ll accidentally rip their eyebrows off.
For your significant other
The biggest problem with dating or marrying another human being is that they expect you to learn things about them and then apply those details. It’s one thing if they’re allergic to peanuts and you get them a Skippy gift basket, but isn’t it overreacting to go ballistic over the wrong name in a $2 greeting card? It’s not like I drew Snoopy myself.
I digress.
Anyway, so we’re at another holiday to prove that you studied the material your partner calls a biography. You could cram the night before again … or you can use the 8th Grade Method to Acing Short Essays: throw out a lot of generic statements that everyone agrees with until you fill 100 words.
In this case, you’re throwing a lot of presents that make crowd-pleasing generic statements.
- Candy: you’re not fat.
- Stuffed Animals: you’re nurturing, but I don’t want to create work for you.
- DVD Collections of that Show They Like: you enjoy superior programming, and I’m going out of town for a week. Surprise!
- An orgasm: Not too sure about this one, but I’ve heard women supposedly enjoy them.
For everyone else
Look, the only reason you’re buying presents for anyone else is so you’ll get more presents next year and–until then–one solid year of unpaid guilt. (This is great for moving years.) The trick is to do it cheaply, but make the gift look like a very clever joke from a long time ago.
And that is why dollar stores exist. Just buy a bunch of random s#&t (but no repeats in case your friends compare your “quirky” presents), and ship ‘em out early so you’ll save on postage, too.
The best part is that you will either a) accidentally coincide your gift with an anecdote you’ve forgotten, or b) the receiver will assume he or she forgot the story behind it and pretend to love it.
Now, go invigorate that economy!