As Fox News has taught me, you can’t just look to experienced journalists and certified experts for the news. Sometimes, the news is also whatever the majority of people think it is.
For instance: no news body has reported that the President is going to overstep the Congress and take our guns away. (My gun is my penis because I don’t fight crime with metaphors.) But, if you ask enough people, then you’ll realize
- Yes he is.
- The lamestream media is covering it up. Because they’re lame, and that’s what handicapped people do.
So, I’ve learned to trust my neighbors’ bumper stickers. And for good reason (i.e., my penis gun).
It is because of this vigilance that I’ve discovered a new problem: loving Jesus.
In case that image is too shocking to look at, it’s a bumper sticker I’ve seen recently around town: “REAL MEN LOVE JESUS.”
Before you can figure out what the driver means, there’s no doubt that, thanks to the military stencil font, they mean business. The only thing missing that could make it even manlier is bullets. We’re assuming they believe they are a real man, possibly even one who loves Jesus himself.
In order to figure out exactly what they mean, I decided to think of other things I’ve been assured “real men” love.
- Real men wear pink.
- Real men eat quiche.
- Real men watch Sex and the City.
- Real men sometimes get boners while wrestling, which is perfectly natural given the storied history of the sport.
Wait, is it gay to love Jesus?
When did that happen? Is it sort of implied because he looks like a torture porn model? If it’s implied, then maybe this is the auto version of “No homo.”
Most importantly, who implied that loving Jesus is gay in the first place? This sounds like an attempt by Scientology to throw off the homophobes. (“Lookit that! Homo Jesus-loving!”)
Sure, it could be read to mean that you’re not a real man unless you love Jesus. But what about Moses? Or Abraham? They didn’t love Jesus. Hell, Noah made a boat large enough to hold every animal he could wrestle aboard with his bare hands. You’re telling me he doesn’t make the cut?
That can’t be it.
But, I can’t recall hearing anybody call Christian males gay. I know that, from time to time, I’ll suggest some of the more hot and bothered anti-gay ones doth protest too much, but that’s because they’re really concerned about appearing the exact opposite of ga–
—Oh. Nevermind.
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