Let’s get this out of the way before I piss off only the Catholics: unless you’re dieting or a passive-aggressive schmuck, fasting is for losers. Almost every religion employs it at some point and tries to dismiss hunger pains and low blood pressure symptoms as holy euphoria.
But, anyone who’s bound to be offended knows why I’m talking about this today: it’s Who Gives a Rat’s Ash Wednesday. The media month for the Christian Super Bowl of Easter has opened, and adherents will give up things they love for Lent.
Some people give up booze, others smoking. Some women give up chocolate. In short, everyone gets a little bitchier, which simulates how angsty the Pharisees were to drive Jesus into the ground about this time. (Too soon?)
Lent is so tough for the harder partying Catholics (a.k.a., anyone that’s not in rehab at the moment) that they hold a blowout the day before every year called Fat Tuesday, or Mardi Gras. Everyone knows it’s 200 times easier to give up anything the day after a bender: “Oh, I’m never drinking again.” Yeah, see ya at the bar in 40 days … at most.
It’s so serious that every Catholic doesn’t eat meat on Fridays. Whoa, a universal semi-commitment? While that might seem like torture for the average American, not eating meat once a week is like going a day without masturbating: you’ll just catch back up tomorrow. A Bangbros threefer is basically wrapping bacon around a fillet on Saturday.
And the goofiest part? It’s all done because, according to three out of four gospels, Jesus wandered off into the f#%king desert, and he couldn’t find food or water until he found his way back home. (During this time, he separated himself into two dogs and a cat to survive, which can only be found in the Dead Sea gospel of Homeward Bound.) This makes fasting real easy because there’s no goddamn food or water in the desert.
But, to think that you’re honoring/understanding that “sacrifice” is like holding your breath when a movie hero swims underwater. (C’mon, you know you did that for both Star Trek IV and The 13th Warrior.) It’s not like the hero wants to hold his breath. Even if you hold your breath the entire four minutes, you didn’t save George and Gracie or let the Romans throw you an S&M party. And, unlike Antonio Banderas and his band of gingers, you have the luxury of breathing because you’re not under-f@$king water. If the situation were reversed, they’d breath not only to stay alive, but to make sure there’s no air left for you and the Eaters of the Dead.
What we’ve got here is touchy-feely bulls#&t, the whole “How would you feel if …” chain of thought. Churches have managed to convinced their flocks that, by pretending to understand the sacrifices of the Greatest.Human.Ever, they’ll apply that to living their lives according to his teachings. Or, you can’t learn from school until you play the Teacher Certification Board Game.
The very notion that suffering is tantamount to learning or even achieving, as if Jesus wouldn’t matter unless he suffered and died, is so absurd that it’s no wonder that priests ask us to try it a little bit. “It’s hard going 40 days without Mountain Dew, isn’t it? That’s exactly how Jesus felt up there on the cross: thirsty.”
Lent is just pussified fasting, and fasting is ridiculous. Think about it: “I’ve decided I’m not going to eat for some unrealistic ideal.” That’s anorexia.
That’s chubby girls deciding that, because there are skinny girls in magazines, they’re going to punish everyone by not eating anymore. They’re not going to work out or eat healthier or even put down the stupid magazine. They’re just gonna stop eating until we save them or they die.
That’s not sticking to your convictions; that’s playing a martyr, and no matter what you give up this month, you’re nothing like the real one.
Jesus clearly did not obey his thirst. By default that makes Sprite the devil’s drink, and Jesus the champion of skateboarding ascension.
“What, you can’t top heaven? Eat it, Hawk.”