At this point, 75 heroes have lent their names on The Facebook to claim their right to bear any and all arms, as afforded by the Constitution of the United States. That’s not a drastic surge from two weeks ago’s total of 71, but the Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarian Militia picks its battles.
(Maybe a Switchblades-for-Lunchboxes Drive in front of elementary schools? Let me know.)
Today, I’d like to switch focus from our own efforts to those of an unlikely ally: Hollywood. For all of its over-the-top liberal idealism, the film studios of Lala-land have routinely put out movies that stress that all Americans have the right to bear the most “dangeous” of weapons that would place the average citizen on par with our Department of Defense.
I don’t mean movies that glamorize guns: they’re the tip of the C-4 laden iceberg. I mean movies that feature heroes welding arsenals above and beyond what the wimpy NRA can stomach.
The Astronaut Farmer
I haven’t seen this movie, but I’ve heard about it, which is more than enough to praise or pan a film according to opponents of The Passion or Dogma.
Apparently Billy Bob Thornton reprises his role from Armageddon: the astronaut with some crippling flaw that prevents him from flying into space, whether its a public school education or actually being crippled. Instead of sticking with his cushy desk job (or cushy plough job), he builds a rocket capable of reaching orbit in his barn. The government, trying to hold him back, decides that civilians shouldn’t have rockets, but he builds it anyway and, presumably, goes into space.
This movie is important to our cause because an orbital rocket is really a balistic missile, minus the balistic. Billy Bob, who doesn’t take guff off of bears with bad news, has better ideas than to let The Man take away his pride and arms.
The Manhattan Project
Not only does this movie feature a reasonably hot Cynthia Nixon (the vaguely annoying/sexless redhead on Sex and the City), but also lasers, homemade nuclear bombs and a cool remote control truck.
The main character is a high school student who protests a secret government plutonium lab with his own nuclear bomb made with self-taught derring-do … and plutonium stolen from said secret lab.
This movie’s importance is dictated by arguably attractive Nixon in an article for her school paper: Paul Stevens is the first private citizen to enter the nuclear club.
Evil Dead 2
When evil is poised to usurp our bodies, what is our only viable option? Stopping said evil with a chainsaw.
Although this movie and its more popular sequel, Army of Darkness, augment Bruce Campbell’s arsenal with a sawed-off shotgun (ho-hum), the chainsaw is iconic. Sam Raimi cleverly realized that the right to bear arms includes lawn tools in place of hands, and RAM thanks him for it.
That’s only three examples out of thousands of films Hollywood has made to bolster our effort. With the Michael Bays of the world at our side, there’s no way we CAN’T win the hearts and minds of the popcorn-munching public.
UPDATE: Hollywood has very important news for us! Today is the 10 year anniversary of SkyNet blowing us all to smithereens, which is yet another reason to arm ourselves with anything at hand.
hell yeah evil dead!
Awesome. I, too, hate disestablishmentarians.
Nice piece!
By “piece,” I assume you are talking about my penis.