Take it from Snee: How to avoid terrorism

So, I was off last week. What you may not realize is that I was off from my mild-mannered job, too. (By day, I am not the debonair man of Internet taste and karate that you admire.)

When I returned–with their blessing–to work on Monday, I discovered two reference materials in my inbox:

  1. The latest guide to surviving hurricanes from the NOAA.
  2. This year’s Joint Chiefs of Staff Anti-terrorism Guidebook.

This week’s column is not about hurricane safety. As someone who lives close to the Tennessee border and an entire state away from the Atlantic, hurricanes are no joke to this funny guy. If a hurricane ever made landfall and didn’t downgrade to a tropical storm this far inland, then it is time to enjoy my last orgy on Earth.

No, it’s about terrorism and–if you don’t like it–how to avoid it.

According to what I gleaned from a couple of guys who watch “the news,” terrorism is the act of killing people because you are a Muslim. This is different from murder because murderers are sometimes antiheroes in loud movies.

Well, I read through that 63 page volume because I was pretty sure it ended in a Jeff Dunham joke. It was not a joke. But, it seemed a little … overwrought.

I mean, yeah, public transportation sucks in foreign countries, what with the goats and curry farts, but also having to look out for suspicious clothing while pretending not to be gay? Girlfriend, please.

And that is why I’ve written a supplemental guide to the Joint Chiefs of Staff Anti-terrorism Guidebook.

You’re welcome, America.

1. Instead of running one long series of errands, divide it into little trips.

Basically, you can avoid any Muslims whatsoever if you are only out and about during the calls to prayer. So, you should be able to finish everything you need to do for the day in five trips when nobody’s looking.

2. Be aware of your surroundings.

If you suddenly find yourself in a foreign country, backtrack until you figure out how you got there. Then go back to the point that you weren’t in the non-American rest of the world that we call Al Qaida’s Playground … and Mexico.

3. Don’t fart.

True Fact: Terrorists are trained to identify targets by the smell of partially-digested Crunchwraps.

Also, people don’t like your farts, even if your own make you hungry again.

4. Don’t tell any secrets.

Any secrets can be used against you and your country, even gossip and slander. Best to keep it all to yourself because–REMEMBER–loose lips sink ships carrying that whore of an ex-girlfriend.

Also, any medical secrets could lead to getting punched in the hemorrhoids.

5. You’re not American; you’re Canadian.

I know, you’re thinking that this is old advice that I stole from somebody’s LiveJournal. Well, you don’t want to fake a Canadian accent because the world doesn’t mess with Canadians. (Really? Nobody respects Canada.)

It’s so that, if you do anything wrong or offensive, America won’t have to apologize. Canada’s so polite that they’ll do it for us. (Their foreign department memo templates automatically conclude in “So sorry.”) So, If every soldier and spy in Afghanistan says they’re Canadian, then maybe Al Qaida will go after Toronto instead.

And that means America and the terrorists win.

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