As February 14 looms closer, I have to endure listening to everyone’s plans for the big day. You think I don’t like binging on chocolate or watching romantic comedies in my PJs?
It’s not that I don’t want to participate; it’s just that I’m not allowed to.
My wife, no matter how I present it, won’t let me celebrate Single Awareness Day.
Every year, I’m reminded by all the single people out there that I’m trapped in a relationship while they get to go out and get drunk at a bar. On a weeknight! I’ve heard their likewise single bosses don’t even get mad at them for being hungover the next day.
So go ahead. Rub it in my face that you get to watch whatever you want to night, just like my wife nuzzles my face while I watch another Real Housewives of Who Gives a F@#k. I hope that whatever it was, it was less awesome than you hoped.
It’s not like I haven’t tried to be single for Single Awareness Day. You name it, I’ve done (or not done) it:
- I answer my texts at all times. And I mean all times. Dinner, at the movies, immediately post-asking about her day, mid-blowjob.
- I never buy flowers. Well, OK, once for Richard Nixon’s funeral. And also to thank Barbaro’s owners for some fast-acting glue.
- I get inappropriately drunk. Whether that means a little tipsy when passing on her resume or sidewalk-humping drunk at her mom’s birthday, I always drink a little more than the situation calls for and goad others into joining me.
- I’m horrible with names, which wouldn’t be a problem if I weren’t too lazy/disinterested to come up with pet names.
- I switched my wardrobe to all Ed Hardy and Affliction. Surprisingly, this made it even harder to stay single when I wasn’t in a relationship.
It’s no use. Apparently I will always be left out of Single Awareness Day.
yay, happy single day sneezy! Im having a pool party in ur honour tonight and everyone will be single of course. Sorry i couldnt invite ur married ass. I’ll have a really big drink for you tho. Cheers
Oh Rick. Some might think you’re not happy…