Take it from Snee: In which our hero watches ‘chick flicks’

So, last week I mentioned that married men are forced to watch chick flicks. Of course, the more whipped boyfriends out there have probably done the same, which is why they’ll always be groomsmen: gentlemen, you don’t give the back rubs away for free. (Whores.)

Now, I could just whine about these films, but that’s not the kind of content you expect in this column. Instead, I will share my insights with you you for surviving these films, achieving relationship leverage and using said leverage to do all those things you’ve only seen in cave paintings.

Think of me as a former Forest Recon who escaped from a POW camp and survived for six years in the jungle by eating his former NVA captors. Now I’m going to teach you ballet. Chainsaw ballet.

The Notebook

Back-of-the-box Synopsis: “The Notebook is an epic love story centered around an older man [James Garner] who reads aloud to an older, invalid woman whom he regularly visits. From a faded notebook, the old man’s words bring to life the story about a couple who is separated by World War II, and is then passionately reunited, seven years later, after they have taken different paths. Though her memory has faded, his words give her the chance to relive her turbulent youth and the unforgettable love they shared.”

Why It’s Not That Bad: Bret Maverick (James Garner) has grown old and date-rapes the Alzheimer patients nightly in his nursing home. Never one to drug women, he uses a scrapbook he found in a recently deceased conquest’s room to steadily convince them that they are the star-crossed lovers in the story. Once they succumb to his clichéd retelling of every Jane Austen novel, they eventually fall asleep in his arms, only to wake up the next morning and not remember a thing. It’s another perfect crime by that damn Maverick!

You’ve Got Mail

Back-of-the-box Synopsis: “The owner of a large bookstore chain [Tom Hanks] starts putting the owner of a small local bookstore [Meg Ryan] out of business. Meanwhile they have been corresponding over the internet without knowing who either of them are. They can’t stand each other in person, but over the internet they are very attracted. He finds out who she is, but she doesn’t know. He starts to like her more, but she still hates him. He has to fix it.”

Why It’s Not That Bad: Your awesome Internet stalking skills will land you adorable Meg Ryan pussy.

Fried Green Tomatoes

Back-of-the-box Synopsis: “Evelyn Couch [Kathy Bates] is having trouble in her marriage, and no one seems to take her seriously. While in a nursing home visiting relatives, she meets Ninny Threadgoode [Jessica Tandy], an outgoing old woman, who tells her the story of Idgie Threadgoode [Mary Stuart Masterson], a young woman in 1920’s Alabama. Through Idgie’s inspiring life, Evelyn learns to be more assertive and builds a lasting friendship of her own with Ninny.”

Why It’s Not That Bad: Idgie and Ruth Jamieson [Mary-Louise Parker] are lesbian lovers. Idgie is all about breaking up her marriage, Ruth has no trouble leaving and they open the 1920s version of the dog grooming parlor together. When Ruth’s ex, Frank, tries to interrupt these flappers’ Sapphic dildo-play, they have a homeless guy kill him and feed his remains to the town that frowns on their love that dare not speak its name.

Also, that fat guy from the Ernest movies is in it.

Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken

Back-of-the-box Synopsis: “Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken is the inspiring true story of Sonora Webster [Gabrielle Anwar], a teen runaway in the ’30s who grows to be a diving girl (someone that jumps, horseback, from a 30-foot platform into water). Unfortunately, she encounters a staggering setback – but follows her heart wherever it takes her.”

Why It’s Not That Bad: Sonoma has a dream, and that dream is terrorize a rogue horse named Lightning. Every day, she waterboards Lightning to the delight of drunken immigrants at Atlantic City. Even when the horse manages to blind her, she gets back on and takes him for one more dive, finally killing the horse that killed her parents. This is the greatest animal vs. human death match since Peter Griffin and the Chicken Who Gives Bad Coupons.