There are certain rights we expect. The right to live as we wish. The right to own property. The right to pursue Happiness, Sunshine or any other optimistically-named stripper. And, of course, the right to die as we wish.
The latter part has come up periodically over the past decade since Thomas Jefferson didn’t include “death” in the list of A Few of His Favourite Things. (Also left out: kittens, strudel, warm woolen mittens.)
We’ve jailed and early-released Jack Kevorkian, a former pathologist who helped dying people die on their own terms. We’ve removed, replaced and removed Terry Schiavo’s feeding tube until we finally stopped stringing her along and sent her to the happy walking trail upstairs.
So, if actions speak louder than wishy-washy, yet well-intentioned words, then we’ve effectively decided that we do have a right to die on our own terms, to “go out with our boots on.”
So, what about animals?
You know how all four writers of this Web site feel about animals. (We’re ag’in ‘em.) So, when it comes to animal rights, we’re generally against that, too. But, letting the pandas die, as BBC presenter and naturalist Chris Packham puts it? Well, we’re against, that, too.
Pandas have been a worthy f#%king adversary in our War on Animals. Every time a species is about to go extinct, their dummy organization, the World Wildlife Fund, swoops in and protects them from further condominiums and strip malls.
After so long a fight, it is beneath them and us to simply “pull the plug,” as Packham suggests. He calls it letting “them go with dignity,” but these aren’t a bunch of hippie vegetarian foreigners we’re talking about. These are bears!
And if there’s anything we know about bears, it’s that they have a rigid code of honor that forbids them from 1) breeding and 2) dying in their sleep.
That is why I am advocating giving pandas one last stand. Humans will give them exactly one year to organize themselves on the battleground of their choosing. If they find the will to live, then they will win the day. If not, then we make the world’s last supply of panda brain aphrodisiacs and call it a day (so we can hunt more tigers tomorrow).
Some of you out there may think it’s not very sporting or American to battle with pandas, especially since humans have guns. Well, would you call people named Kermit or Teddy Roosevelt un-American? You could, but then the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt would claim responsibility for the ghost black cavalry officers that made you eat the world’s largest hat.
Still, to make sure the pandas die well, to give them what the Spartans called, “A Beautiful Death,” we’ll leave a crate of weapons in the Chinese mountains and close our eyes. If the pandas figure out how to use their thumbs for something other than holding bamboo like they think they’re people, so be it.
Either way, it’s time for pandas to decide whether they live or die–not to be kept on live support and shown panda porn to stir their listless penises. Their depression is not a problem for us to throw yet more money at, but to stir into an expression of will.
Pandas! Prepare yourselves for glory!
SeriouslyGuys in no way supports or condones the Klingon Empire, Klingons themselves or people who translate Tennessee Williams plays into the Klingon language. They’re next after the pandas are gone.
Buster Brown and his hairy holly knockers! Have YOU ever tried to take one down??