Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 2

Way back in June, I looked at a number of misconceptions out there and explained why they were wrong. These were brief, yet concise pockets of correctness that should have solved all of the stupid around me.

Alas, I’ve just found more conventional “wisdoms” that boggle the mind. (Go figure, it’s an election year.)

So, sit down, shut off that damn music and pay attention. You should only have to read this article once, because I’m not kicking your brain any more than I have to.

Abstinence-only education leads to increased teen pregnancy.”

Wrong. Sex with teens leads to increased teen pregnancy. Teens know as much about pregnancy as smokers know about cancer: “it’ll never happen to me.” So, we don’t need to teach birth control or abstinence–just how much having a baby or AIDS sucks. (Hint: lots of field trips.)

My candidate is the real deal.”

Wrong. And you’re a moron. No, really. Run your head into the wall or something, dummy.

I don’t know why I’d need to explain this concept to you any more, but what the hell.

Presidents don’t write law. They don’t invent things. They don’t cure diseases. They just sign bills and try not to get their dicks caught in the pickle slicer. (Especially since, in their case, the pickle slicer gets a book deal.)

They cannot deliver on any promise they make you, nor do they plan to. The only way your candidate could be less full of it is to promise nothing at all.

Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.”

Wrong. What about bad teachers? There are only so many gym teacher spots, yet so many dumb teachers–and, consequently, students–out there.

Besides, we wouldn’t need such an inane phrase if those who couldn’t do not and especially don’t teach. Humans tend to repeat stupid phrases until you think they’re true. How many times have you heard this phrase in your life?

Guns don’t kill people; people do.”

Wrong. People with guns kill people.

Let’s say you’re watching television and you want to change the channel. If you have a remote control, then no problem. If you have to get up and stab the TV yourself, though, then you’re more likely to suffer through The History of Lumber.

Hell, you might even take a nap.

Chiropractors are doctors.”

Wrong. So’s my English professor. I’m not going to her to fix my spine.

Everyone’s entitled to their opinion.”

Internally, sure.

Externally, wrong. If you don’t want to be ridiculed, keep your “little theories” to yourself.

Animals have feelings.”

Wrong. I’ve never seen a calf in grief counseling. Either they get over orphaning real quick, or they don’t give a rat’s.

I disagree with your opinion, but I would fight to the death to defend your right to express it.”

Wrong. You wouldn’t fight to the death over why Pepsi is better than Coke, especially if you’re a Coke drinker.

“Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.”

Wrong. That best friend of yours sired my little brother.

“Don’t put off tomorrow what you can do today.”

Wrong. Unless you want to put your parents in a home before they turn 50.

“All’s fair in love and war.”

Wrong. I’ll skirt away from the Geneva Convention for this one, since that’s the obvious route.

You know who uses this phrase a lot? Someone who snagged a new boyfriend or girlfriend while they were already in a relationship. Wait six months, then see if they still think they’re right after their “love” runs off with someone else.