Take it from Snee: Lightning Round 3 (Hard Thunder)

So we just got through an election and the first half of Thanksgristmas, and that means I had to listen to a lot of stupid. This is the third time we’ve gone through this, so I shouldn’t have to explain it to you.

And if you’re new here, welcome and try not to get your ass in my foot’s way.

“Thanksgiving gets overshadowed by Christmas more and more each year.”

Wrong. Christmas is far, far older than Thanksgiving.

Also, you’re whining about the meaning of Thanksgiving? It’s meaningless. The pilgrim story isn’t true, there’s nothing religious about it unless you’re a parade junkie and it wasn’t even a consistent holiday until Lincoln needed to improve his wartime image.

If you stuffed your face and hid your homosexuality from your parents, then congratulations: you’ve celebrated Thanksgiving.

“America was founded by Christians; we are a Christian nation.”

Wrong. The America we know today was founded – if by “founded” you mean “declared independent” – by English people. Does that mean America’s an English nation? No.

A lot of those guys were slaveholders. Are we a slaveholding nation, too?

They didn’t have electricity. Are we a steam-powered and horse-driven nation, as well?

There are other religions in America now. We don’t care about your own personal choice of one. Now go home and pray that I get into heaven.

“Bush stole the 2000 election.”

Wrong. It’s not stealing if a stupid nation gave it to you.

“Christmas is crass and commercial.”

Wrong. You just don’t have anyone to appreciate the real aspects of Christmas with. Instead, your life consists of watching television all day and jerking off to Internet porn, so how would you know what an entire holiday’s about?

Now go do something useful and post some updates on your “I hate Valentine’s Day” Facebook/Myspace group.

“Evolution is just a theory, not a fact.”

Wrong. Your counter-“theory” just proves what happens evolutionarily when contentedly ignorant people breed.

“It takes a village to raise a child.”

Wrong. Villages have thatched roofing, which are splinter hazards.

Twilight ruined vampires.”

Wrong. Vampires always sucked. Dracula used his powers to act out a supernatural Lifetime Movie of the Week. Anne Rice’s vampires brooded in their historical analog to the mall. The Lost Boys involved not one, but both Coreys. Buffy was a goddamn soap opera.

It’s very possible that seeing the latest generation cream their jeans over new vampiric heartthrobs has made you grow up.

“If it’s too loud, you’re too old.”

Wrong. You’ve lost your hearing. Turn it down.

“There are no new ideas.”

Wrong. You just can’t think of any.

“If you outlaw guns, then only criminals will have them.”

Right. If you have a gun in such a legal situation, then you’re a criminal.

“There’s too much sex and violence on television.”

Wrong. If that were true, I’d watch a lot more television.

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