Take it from Snee: Lightning Round

Alright, everyone here? OK, good.

Look, I don’t have a lot of time today, so I’m not gonna type up a bunch of crap about why I’m right. I’m just gonna cut to the chase and tell you why you’re wrong.

What follows are pieces of conventional “wisdom” (I’m using the term very lightly) and what’s wrong with these turd nuggets.

“Peace, man.”

Wrong. Nothing good ever came from peace: depression, prohibition and Britishness. Also, movies about peaceful times are boring.

Meanwhile, everything awesome comes from war: microwaves, computers, jeeps and heat-seeking missiles. Movies about war kick so much ass!

“Global warming is bad.”

Wrong. Sure, the summer’s hotter, but there’s nothing to complain about global warming in the winter. Unless you’re a snowboarder (and, therefore, high), winter blows.

“Wrestling is fake.”

Wrong. Wrestling is, in fact, two or more guys rolling around in pleather and baby oil, forcing each other to submit in various positions. It’s not unheard of for a couple of wrestlers to tag-team one guy.

You just can’t fake how gay that is.

“America’s #1!”

Wrong. There are no other countries.

“Children are the future.”

Wrong. Children are useless in every way, especially when it comes to the future. Name one invention that a child came up with. I’ll wait.

… Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Unless some kid invents a flying car that runs on pizza, adults are definitely the future.

“Water is good for you.”

Wrong. Obviously you’ve never drowned.

“Support the troops.”

Wrong. When did this become my job? They have bosses, most of whom understand things like war and soldiering. The rest of us understand whatever we see in movies. Let’s keep troop support in the hands of the professionals.

“Respect your elders.”

Wrong. Based on history class, every previous generation is dumber than the current one. Past generations are guilty of slavery, wars to protect the opium trade and the Osmonds.

Sorry you’re outdated, grandpa, but this ice flow leaves in 10 minutes — with or without you.

“A penny saved is a penny earned.”

Wrong. Chances are that you didn’t earn that penny at all. Either you found someone else’s penny — which is theft if you don’t take it to the police station — or you spent a larger coin or bill to buy something, which is not saving.

And if you were actually paid a penny, then you earned a new name: dummy.

“Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”

Wrong. Chances are good that, if you’ve put your life off this long, you’ll put it off until tomorrow, too.

“Teamwork.”

Wrong. Do it yourself, you lazy piece of crap.

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”

Wrong. The airline can’t lose your herpes.

“Say what you will about Mussolini; he made the trains run on time.”

Wrong. Making trains run on time doesn’t help me because I’m always late to the station. So he’s still a dick.

Seinfeld was a show about nothing.”

Wrong. If it was about nothing, there would be no dialogue, scenery or characters. Seinfeld was about people who date unsuccessfully and have no idea why, not thinking it could have to do with their crippling social problems and inane “observations.”

I didn’t say it was about much, just not nothing.

“We’re a business casual company.”

Wrong. Nobody wears slacks, nice shoes and a collared-shirt casually. In some people’s cases, this is their formal attire.

Besides, if it was really casual, then you wouldn’t have to enforce a dress code.

“I don’t want to sound racist, but …”

Wrong. If whatever you say next will make you sound racist, and you don’t want to sound racist, then don’t say it.

Has anyone ever responded to this with, “Oh, that doesn’t make you a racist at all?”

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