Take it from Snee: LOLSmokers

The FDA unveiled a series of new warnings that will go on cigarette packs. Instead of the text that tobacco scientists concocted back in the ’60s to keep LBJ feelin’ a-OK, they’re using graphics, which have lowered smoking numbers in other countries.

Yes, yes. But have you been to other countries? They have dances and songs and holidays where they break eggs over each others’ heads.

When it comes to the school dance that is human culture, Americans are the jaded loner smoking in bathroom. You think some graphics are gonna get us out onto the dance floor for the Electric Slide? Pfft, fat chance. It’s stupid, you’re stupid and our nonconformist lungs would be winded by “woogie-woggie-woggie!”

Still, let’s take a look at what the government’s gonna throw at 500 years of an awesome tradition, from John Smith to Kirsten Dunst. (Warning: some of these are gross.)

Not bad. Stomas, or “f@%king throat holes,” are an effective warning against smoking. Just like how footage of soldiers winning marathons with flipper feet hit military recruitment numbers, and Jackass got douchebags to stop punching each other in the nuts.

What’s that? Both are up?

Must be a fluke.

Why’s the smoking baby gotta be black? Jus’ sayin’.

It’s probably better that they didn’t show the cigarette in the picture, otherwise Phillip Morris might hire the E*Trade baby as their new spokesman.

“Ha! She looks like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet/the end of his life!”

“Blue what?”

“Oh, it’s this movie about a guy who huffs nitrous oxide and kidnaps the bug sex chick.”

“Nitrous oxide?! Forget smoking!”

You know what’s a good image for fatal lung disease? Anything but feet! I know this is getting shrunken down to fit on a pack of Nails, but maybe you could add “lung disease” to the toe tag? Sheesh.

Besides, it turns out the detectives were wrong. The killer meant for it to look like fatal lung disease. That’s right: it was muuuuuuuuuuurder.

This ad is everything the last one wasn’t.

We’ve got healthy lungs, which I just realized look like a penis head mask made by Buffalo Bob. We’ve got unhealthy lungs that are inexplicably on fire. And we’ve got a warning message that ties the two together.

This is the Goofus and Gallant of anti-smoking messages, and I support it.

There’s absolutely no arguing with this image. She even looks like Chloe from Fight Club.

Go on: I dare you to not recap that list of porn and sex toys from the cancer support group meeting.

Still, very on the ball about cancer and how it turns you into a Lohan.

Alternate Punchline (11/11/2010): Smoking has the opposite effect that Galaxy Quest had on Sigourney Weaver.

Wait, you mean like that nonsmoker that always makes a fake cough through a window at the smoker outside in the middle of January? GOOD.

(I thought these were supposed to discourage smokers.)

Cancer looks suspiciously like British zombie-ism to me: crooked teeth, bite wounds from accidental skull impact during feeding …

Wait a minute. The other cancer pic looked like Chloe …. Is this Ed Norton in the board meeting?

Is this Jack’s cancerous maw?

Look at this fat cat with his business tie and Karl Rove haircut and fancypants medical care because he has health insurance ….

You know what? I hope my smoking killed him.

Chances are that this is just one of Dick Cheney’s organ clones, though.

Well now. Don’t you feel like a turd for looking down on Smoking Baby. It’s not his fault; he learned it from his parents.

And if this isn’t the same black child, then seriously: why do all the smoking babies gotta be black!?

Kudos to the FDA for rushing ahead with the Smoking Baby Saturday morning cartoon, though.

Once again: anonymous dead person with no evidence of a smoking-related fatality. Hell, he made a beautiful corpse, so what does that tell y–

–Wait, was he lefthanded? Because the coroner placed this guy’s right hand on top, meaning … This is his twin brother! The game is afoot!