Take it from Snee: Look out! The world’s ending!

Way back in 1999, I understood that the world might end at 12 a.m., New Year’s Day, 2000. That made sense: computers would launch nukes to prevent the return of 1900.

I wasn’t entirely against it because, well, isn’t dying worth avoiding the Titanic, two world wars and disco? If I could trust a computer to provide my pornography, this was an easy decision on who to trust.

Unfortunately, I woke up in the newly-minted Year 2000.

It wasn’t unfortunate because straw hats and ragtime had returned, but because I was hung-over and on several husbands’ to-beat-up lists for hitting on their wives. (C’mon, the world was ending/I was 18.)

From January 1, 2000 and two Excedrin on, I lived. I went to school, helped start a Web site and got married. Little did I know that I did all this on borrowed time, that the world will end before I turn 30 … well, 32, and in one of several ways.

July 22, 2009: Rahu and Ketu devour the sun

Earlier today, the Earth narrowly avoided the Indian astrological recreation of Transformers 2’s false-starting plot.

According to Hindu mythology, Rahu and Ketu are invisible planets/demons that try to devour the sun and moon on occasion. Had they been Irish demons, they might have been sated with our clovers, horseshoes, diamonds and red balloons.

This particular solar eclipse was even more dangerous because it’s a Triple Eclipse. That means it was darker three-times longer, so it’s three-times as freaky.

But, as this article evidences, the sun is still in place and all is well … until:

Mid-November, 2009: Scientists turn the Earth into a space sphincter

The Large Hadron Collider, source of many scientists’ penis jokes, will be restarted in mid-November to resume the Swiss recreation of Star Trek’s half-baked plot.

By colliding either protons at an energy of 7 TeV per particle or lead nuclei at an energy of 574 TeV per nucleus, godless European scientists will create a massive black hole in Switzerland’s back yard. And that’s when things get bad.

However, they’ve already used it a few times to no effect, other than breaking the damn thing. So, nothing to worry about here, amiright?

November 13, 2009: Roland Emmerich releases 2012

German-born filmmaker, Roland Emmerich, will destroy the world(‘s will to live) with his recreation of Stargate’s, Independence Day’s, Godzilla’s and The Day After Tommorrow’s missing plots.

When he’s not suggesting ways that the Egyptian pyramids, Emmerich blows up famous landmarks. Seems innocuous enough, right?

Wrong. Landmarks are like people. You can kill a few ordinary ones, but when a famous one goes down, the world falls to pieces. And 2012 is going to destroy all of the famous ones.

January 1, 2012: An unused calendar becomes suddenly relevant

The Mayan calendar will end in the ancient culture’s recreation of 2012’s possibly impotent plot.

Nobody’s exactly sure what will happen. Some believe that the calendar ends because the Mayans, who only mastered a fully-developed writing system just before being wiped out by a handful of Spanish peasants, were able to predict the end of the world.

Others, who don’t have any good End-of-the-World parties to attend, believe that nothing will happen.

My personal theory is that all computers that were programmed with the Mayan calendar will launch our nukes, sparing the Earth from the return of the year 2000 B.C., or Year One.

Any day now: Melted polar caps devour the world

Since at least the beginning of the Industrial Revolution, mankind has steadily spurred its recreation of Waterworld’s overwrought plot.

Captains of industry promised a bright and better future, hoping we’d ignore it was hotter and floaty. Based on experience, though, it’s easy for even our highest-placed authorities to not notice that New Orleans was underwater.

At our current pace, the oceans will rise anywhere from one to two feet and, because of increased CO2 in the water, will become a pool of acid … but, this is humanity, and if we’re good at anything, it’s accelerating through innovation.

Of course, this doesn’t mean the world will end. There will be more oceans, and there will be new iPhones. It will just suck. And that’s when we’ll really wish the world had ended.