Take it from Snee: More like ‘Star Wreck’ (Amiright?)

So, there’s a new Star Trek movie coming out. Some critics are saying that it’s awesome or something.

I don’t care. You know why?

Of course you do: I’m against this movie.

First of all, what do we know about it? Nothing.

We don’t even know what know what number it is. Is it the new Star Trek I? The last Star Trek I didn’t have a number either. It was named the way we named all things in the 1970s — with glaring obviousness because of all the dope smokers and people burned out on duplicitous governing: “The Motion Picture.”

Star Trek: The Motion Picture was okay … if a non-shell shocked editor sped up or edited out all the damn slow pans. (We get it. The ship has more Christmas lights now.) There was a bald alien chick that turned me onto the cancer ward dating scene, but only after I learned that chemotherapy is just as good as getting your tubes tied.

Basically, it was a lame odd-numbered Star Trek movie, so it was bound to suck a little. We all know that the even-numbered movies are better: Wrath of Khan (II), Scotty Yells at Whales (IV), Klingon Blood Droplets Recite Shakespeare in Zero-Gravity (VI) … all good times.

But — and this is a big, sweaty but — we knew Star Trek: The Mounted Police was an odd-numbered movie because it was the first one. Numero uno. The prequel to the second one.

This new Star Trek could be technically the new I or Zero, unless there are sequels. And if there’s an even number of sequels after it (or none at all), then Wrath of Khan becomes an odd-numbered Star Trek movie. The whole system has been changed like my underwear on my birthday!

Black is white! Up is down! Goatees are good!

Rest (un)assured: this is exactly why they picked J.J. Abrams to make it. Paramount wants us to be confused. Maybe there will be time travel! Or maybe it’s just another Chicago Gangster planet in the 23^rd Century! It’s an awesome -II Star Trek movie! What’s a polar bear doing in 10-Forward?!

But enough about the numbers. You come to this Web site because it is a Math-Free Zone. (Suck it, Euclid.)

Second, what’s up with the lack of red shirts?

Kirk, McCoy, Spock and Ensign Ricky’s dad are all n00bs, but they’re all wearing their blue shirts. Even Kirk, whose young actor’s face screams “Send me down in the first away team with nothing but a tricorder,” gets a gray, brown and/or clearly-not-red shirt.

What the ####.

We know they main players are going to survive – or not (Spock and Yar both had problems with staying unemployed dead) – but still, let’s at least pretend they were in real danger of dying at some point.

Or is it that, once Kirk becomes Captain, Starfleet becomes British and sends all first wave cannon fodder in red uniforms? No, a society doesn’t develop warp drives, teleportation, lycra that conceals hard nipples, replicators and functional communism without a few broken Ensigns.

And besides their lack of red shirt status, how much does it suck that they’re apparently still pulling the same entry-level shift 10-20 years later as full-on middle-aged adults in the original series? Kirk’s still Captain, Sulu’s still on the helm, Uhura’s still talking to her earrings in the corner and Scotty’s still dicking around in Engineering, staying drunk so he’ll never have a hangover.

OK, Scotty makes more sense now.

But, seriously, no wonder they start putting the new guys in red shirts and killing them off: job security. Checkov doesn’t need Joe College wandering in and stealing his fat no-money-in-the-future paycheck. How many Ensigns do you think they put on “Airlock Duty” when they’re not close enough to Romulan airspace?

Finally, how much did Apple get paid for this movie?

And what does it say when Starfleet never builds an iNterprise again?