Take it from Snee: MTV’s lost it

You ever read an ex’s blog entry after a breakup?

I don’t mean the entry right after it ended where they’re sad and can only listen to Kelly Clarkson. I mean the one a few months later where they air your dirty laundry about your laziness, poor hygiene and sub-par penis size, maybe claim you tried to pick them up the other day, and that they’re so glad they dumped you. (Reality: you dumped them.)

Yeah, that’s how I read MTV Network President Van Toffler’s statement about “pushing Generation X out” of their programming considerations.

A little history: I love to hate MTV. Always have.

They say you can’t hate something unless you once loved it. I agree. When I was 12, I used to dry hump the couch to rap videos (Rumpshakah!) and during Spring Break to “The Grind.” So, to Wreckx-n-Effect and all of you spoiled college girls back in 1993: thank you. Thank you for introducing a young pubescent boy to true love and rug-burned genitals.

In the years since, I’ve learned new reasons to hate MTV (and more safely pleasure myself). They convinced Jenny McCarthy that the world cares what she has to say fully dressed. They got Blind Melon’s “No Rain” stuck in my head going on 17 years now. MTV is the reason why I know what a Carson Daily is.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that, yeah, I think about MTV from time to time. I’ve noticed their most recent crimes against television, including 16 and Pregnant and Drunk F@#king Guidos.

(What? It’s cool for me to use that word because, unlike at least two of the cast members, I am Italian, and that is our word. I don’t care which greasy wop gave you permission to say it, either. I didn’t.

Damn, that felt really good. I get it now, Rev. Jackson.)

Notice something about everything I listed up there? Other than a vague awareness of Jersey Shore, I haven’t watched MTV since 1999.

I dumped you long ago, MTV. Calling me “cynical” and less “civic-minded” won’t bring me crawling back to apologize:

“I’m sorry, MTV. I’m so sorry that I didn’t vote more than once an election or give handies to homeless geriatrics. I’m trying not to be so cynical, but you know I have trust issues, and I am working that s%@t out.

“Just give us Gen Xers one more Real World/Road Rules challenge! Just. One. More!”

Yeah, just like with the ex, that phone call just ain’t gonna happen.

But, you know what? I wish them well, especially now that they realize that it’s really over and I’m never coming back. They deserve better than someone my age watching their s#%t still.

So, I’d like to congratulate MTV for finally dumping anyone from Generation X that still watches their network. In order to be Gen X, you’d have to be, at least, 27 years old. If you’re still watching shows about super sweet 16 parties in your near 30s, you’re the TV-watching equivalent of guy who still goes to high school football games.