Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy

Or, 25 Things About Me

I’ve been successfully ignoring Facebook for nigh-on three months when I start getting emails about friends tagging me in notes. As an Internet celebrity, that makes me nervous: who knows what my friends are saying about me when writing 25 things about themselves?

Imagine my surprise to find they had written not a got-milked thing about me! (Are you angry? Good imagining!)

So, as a service to you readers (especially the angry ones), here are 25 things about me:

Rules (because this isn’t Vietnam): Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

OK, did you get that? It’s 2009 and people still need copy and paste explained to them. I blame social networking sites for dredging up mouthbreathers on the Internet. By the way, add me as your Facebook friend and I will reveal your secret crush with beautiful anime pictures.

1) Old people make me uncomfortable. They’re like ordinary strangers — which means there’s a 50/50 chance they want to talk to me about global warming — except they also remind me of death. Also, they bitch and moan too much about things being different nowadays. You’d think they know better, having once been on the cutting edge of plowing technology, but I guess things didn’t change too fast from 1895 to 1955.

2) I pretty much stopped listening to new music. Like the old people I mentioned above, I have tried to give new music a chance, but can’t find anything that drives me. You know, like when you’re in your car, pretending to commit vehicular manslaughter, and you can’t slow down because this new song on the radio’s given you a hard-on for imaginary adventure? Yeah, haven’t experienced that in years.

3) I’m terrified of losing my teeth. There is a fine line that separates an asshole and a toothless idiot. Just saying that I’m in a high risk group.

4) I hate George Carlin. See, this guy is my hero. But I’m constantly worried that every joke I write has already been done by the old cocksucker. I wouldn’t be in this situation if he had just died sooner.

5) I have a birthmark on my inner thigh, just about where my balls dangle. You know, for the sake of full disclosure here.

6) Half the jokes I make are serious. I’ll let you figure out when I’m really insulting you.

7) I like to say “thank you.” Nobody expects it anymore, especially strippers.

8) At one point, I used to masturbate six times a day. I’m sure that’s not a record, but pretty good for an amateur, right?

9) I root for the predators on nature shows. F#@k baby finches; komodo dragons gotta eat, too.

10) I like to scare drivers that run red lights. No, seriously: I live for this. Nothing makes me happier than when I’m the first car to catch a red light at a busy intersection. As soon as the light turns green, I drive. If someone runs the red light to make a left turn in front of me, I hold down the horn and don’t stop moving forward. If I managed to make anyone wet their pants, I hope they were running late for a job interview.

11) I’m really nervous about ogling. Whether it’s a handicapped person or a woman with very large boobs, I’m always worried that they think I’m ogling or leering at them. No matter who furtively I glance at them, my fear is that they’ll catch me looking and think I’ve been staring the whole time.

12) Piss poor grammar really pisses me off. OK, as a preface: I understand that not everyone has mastered the written language they speak every-damn-day. I also understand that people make mistakes. However, the willful ignorance of basic language skills like comma-use and capitalization is as inexcusable to me as the willful ignorance of math or science. I’m not sorry if this makes any of you more worried about your writing; you should be.

13) In conversations, I pretend to agree with people’s politics just to see how offensive they’ll get when comfortable. It’s my secret racist test.

14) I procrastinate like no other. Ho-lee s*%t, do I. I find more ways to jerk around than actually get work done. (See #8.)

15) My biggest vanity is hiding how vain I can be about my appearance.

16) I don’t actually try to insult people. I come from a circle of friends where we were brutally honest with each other, and I always appreciated their candor. The truth is always funny, unless you’re really in denial. And, if I do personally insult you, I also find that funny.

17) I’m a huge fan of murder-suicides. Not only did the person kill somebody, but they pissed off the pro-capital punishment folks who missed their chance.

18) I used to be for the death penalty, until I realized I was just asking the government to kill scary people for me like a chickens&*t.

19) I hate calendars. I’ve evolved from losing track of desk daily calendars to forgetting about my monthly wall calendar for months. I just hung up my 2009 calendar. In doing so, I missed three calendar pictures. In contrast, I’ve changed my computer background three times in the past two weeks: they’re basically the same kind of pictures.

20) I am addicted to advice columns. I can’t not read them, for a couple of reasons:

• Who thinks some jerkoff with an English degree can solve your problems?
• How many letters go unanswered because the author can’t in good conscience say, “You should probably kill yourself.”
• I’m egotistical enough to believe that somebody might write one about me one day.

21) I am grateful for the bluetooth headset. Not because I use one, but because I talk to myself all the time. Now I don’t seem as crazy at first glance.

22) I generally don’t like horror movies. Despite the gore and off-putting material being right up my alley, I’m usually disappointed by their lack of creativity. They operate on the same formula almost every time, and only half of them feature nudity. The ghost ones are really boring.

23) Doing this list broke my four year embargo from doing online lists. What is this, f@$king Myspace? I’m ashamed of everyone who did this, especially me.

24) I like Keanu Reeves. I know I’m not supposed to, since I’m so Internet cool, but I like him. I’d probably geek out if I met him. I even like a lot of his movies. Not all of them, but nobody gets a universal pass from me.

25) This being the last part of the list, I was worried I’d blow it on something meaningless. … Nuts.