Take it from Snee: ‘No homo’

I love how the hip-hop community was worried that all their battle songs sound gay. Not derogatory gay, but really, really gay. Like “touched if my friends call their wedding a ‘commitment ceremony’” gay.

I can imagine the setting when they came up with “no homo.” DJ Fistmaster is taking a break from a hot and heavy lyrics session, wondering if he came a little too strong onto Dirty Lil’ $anchez when he metaphorically said he would “nut in his eye/ ‘cause he’s a pretty little guy.”

In this case, “nut” is a metaphor for semen, because why would anyone throw peanuts at somebody’s baby blues? Well, maybe cashews, but only so I could follow it up with, “Cashew later, biyotch!”

So, back to DJ Fistmaster: he’s “chillaxing” and turns on Orgazmo.

And he thinks to himself, “That’s what I need! A disclaimer … but what if I’m freestyling and I don’t realize I’ve made a gay statement until afterwards …? I’ve got it! I’ll shorten it to “no homo” and say it at the end! And then it’ll be easier to always rhyme stuff by adding ‘o’ to the end of everything!”

If the movie didn’t make it clear, then let’s go to the only Freud theory we can all agree with: when it comes to slips of the tongue, there are no accidents. And if you invent a catch-all phrase because you make unintentionally gay statements all the time?

Let’s just say that, every time you say, “No homo,” we all say, “If you say so.”

Besides, what happens if we follow this example?

Let’s say, for instance, that you’re prone to accidentally bashing gay people. Does that mean that it’s OK if you add “no homophobe” to the end? Or would a simple “no homo” cover it because homophobes tend to be closeted homosexuals?

Or, what if you want to say some nasty things about black people, but are worried that you might lose your job/get the s#&t get kicked out of you. Would it be OK if you added “not racist” to the end?

Say you want to ask out a girl, but you don’t want to feel rejected. In the past, you would have added “or something,” as in, “Would you like to reach into my pocket or something?”

You’d think that, in the “no homo” world of tomorrow, “or something” would suffice. But, the idea is to deflect responsibility for what you’re saying, so how about just adding “m’lady” to the end: “If your seat is wet, then you can certainly sit on my face, m’lady.” See? It sounds like you want to have sex, but there’s no sex implied unless she wants to have it.

We don’t even have to limit ourselves to mere words, but could use cunning phrases to whitewash actions. For instance, “no homo” applies to homosexual statements. But, say someone walks on you eating another guy’s chode for brunch. By applying “no homo” to the situation, preferably after you break your liplock on homeboy’s afternuts for enunciation’s sake, then you’re clearly just eating brunch. Nothing gay about brunch, right?

But, what if someone walks in on you as you brain someone with a nine-iron?

What if you’re caught vomiting on your dog with an oven mitt over your slapadoodle?

Dancing in public?

Eating a hot dog?

Throwing away recyclables?

Shoplifting at the surveillance store?

Genetically-modifying your children to be better golfers?

Eating a bacon-wrapped Twinkie?

Our choice is to either A) accept responsibility for our words and deeds, vowing to do better in the future, or B) use a plucky little catchphrase that doesn’t work.

You can claim “no homo” all you want, but we still won’t think you’re not an idiot.

One thought on “Take it from Snee: ‘No homo’”

  1. Ahh, Mr. Snee! Another stellar contribution. Sexual anxiety has never been so funny. Or, it hasn’t ever been so funny this week.

    Howzabout we just say you nailed it–in the arsehole, sans lube.

    (No homo.)

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