Take it from Snee: Retrospect this

While I’m certainly glad to see more people writing thanks to the advent of blogging, twittering and other terms that were previously symptoms of pleurisy; whereas I am also elated to say goodbye to the biggest waste of a decade since the 1460s (was there any good music that decade?); and because I look forward to the Twenty-Ten future, I am officially sick of all retrospectives about this and any other decade from here on out.

To make sure one is never written again, I’ve done you all a favor and written and all-encompassing one that should work for the next hundred years.* Don’t think I’ve left out names to be vaguely correct: in 10 years’ time, you’ll have forgotten most of the “important” people of this past decade, too.

*If this template still applies after 100 years, you’re on your own because I should be dead. Hopefully of something awesome like breastclimbing or mesotheligladiator fights.

Well, it’s been another 10 years, and what a 10 years it’s been! Let’s recap the good, bad and weird from this decade.

The first year or so of the decade was surprisingly much similar to the previous decade. We wore the same clothes, the music was the same, many of the same TV shows were still on and technology did not remarkably leap forward on January 1, ___0. Our hair grew a little, but then we got it cut again a week later.

But, that would not last long.

After the latest election, those who did not vote for the President took umbrage with everything he did. Those who did vote for him defended every decision he made, like he was a phone plan or video game console. Everyone was more or less happy that Hillary Clinton or Sarah Palin didn’t survive the primaries.

Of all the Presidential decisions that people divided over, it was the invasion of [Middle Eastern country]. Though the 3 million or so Middle Eastern Countriners were tenuously connected to the 300 terrorists currently living in caves away from major cities, the U.S. had no choice but to seize all major infrastructures, rebuild the government and leave troops stationed there even today.

On the homefront, the American people grappled with Whatever Poor People Want Now™. After much debate and media time, the poor people finally got their usual deal: Sam’s Choice instead of Coke. Rich people continued to complain about their taxes.

The events of the decade influenced the arts and entertainment, of course.

Music was changed forever when white people borrowed black music that black people no longer listen to. The bluesy appropriated sounds helped give suburban white girls credibility as soulful artists. Rock has yet to recover from rap metal, though.

There were a lot of bad movies this decade. They were mostly terrible remakes and B-at best horror films. But, there were at least four good movies each year; one of those four, in fact was declared the best movie of their year. Our list of the Top 10 Movies of the Decade includes all ten of those Oscar winners for Best Picture this decade.

There were books, but this is the Internet, so pssht.

The most shocking part of the decade, though, were all the celebrity deaths. For some unexplainable reason, dozens of famous actors, musicians and [miscellaneous] died of perfectly explainable causes. Their likenesses will never be seen again … because their stunt doubles were locked in their lavish tombs with their mummified corpses and riches.

On the technology side of things, computers got faster over the past 10 years. The speed boost gave games with elves better graphics. And Madden games got bigger and numbers after the title, which was a relief because they really dropped off after ’99.

Cars don’t fly. Food isn’t in pill form. Clothes, however, are disposable, but only because of the SuperFlu.

After much comparison and debate, experts are still divided on whether this decade was more like the 1960s or 1970s. On the one hand, people did use drugs and talk out their asses, but they also wore ugly clothes and talked out of their asses. The arguement will not be settled until the end of the next decade, depending on whether it is more like the 1970s or 1980s.

So, as we watch Dick Clark close out another 10 year period of our history, we can only wonder if things will finally be different.

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