I’d like to start this week’s TifS by congratulating Michelle Malkin and her fearless campaign to scare Dunkin’ Donuts into dropping an ad because she’s afraid of a scarf. If you’re just tuning in (leave those dials on your monitor alone!), Ms. Malkin was offended by an ad featuring Rachel Ray wearing a keffiyeh, the scarf traditionally worn by Islamofascicommuvikings. She threatened a boycott and Dunkin’ Donuts proved that doing things is what they like to do. (In this case, caving.)
However, I can’t leave it at congratulations. You see, Ms. Malkin just didn’t go far enough to assuage my fears of terror, terrorism, terrorists and terry cloths.
Sure, a lot of terrorists wear scarves. But there’s something else they have in common: their looks. Show me a picture of any terrorist and, scarf or no scarf, I’ll point out that they’re not white.
Don’t get me wrong. As I’ve said before, I don’t see color. I’m colorblind. But I do see shades. (George Hamilton, I’m on to you!)
That is why I am advocating the forced removal of all people who are obviously not white from all commercials and TV shows. It’s the only way to make sure my dedication to being impotently angry at Islamofascicommuvikingism is not threatened.
OK, some of you at home are probably wondering, “Hey Rick, why don’t we just get rid of Arabs?” First off, you’re disagreeing with me, so you should call me Mr. Snee. (People who agree with me should call me Dumplin’. This is how I know where you stand.)
Sure, we could get rid of the Arabs, but don’t you think they’ve already planned for that? Thanks to multiculturalism, they can disguise themselves as Latinos, Asians or Jersey Shore Italians.
All I’m asking Hollywood and her New York counterparts to do is quietly replace non-white roles with wholesome non-terrorists. Here’s a few places to start:
You know, for a Latino, he sure is free with all his derogatory terms for them. He keeps insisting that he’s a “beaner.” Methinks he doth protest too much.
Plus, let’s not forget this “comedy” bit — he knows Osama’s phone number!
Replacement: Larry the Cable Guy
Larry’s the perfect candidate because nobody will notice Comedy Central has replaced one unwatchable negative stereotype with another. And unlike Mr. Mencia, Mr. the Cable Guy served in the Armed Forces.
All the bad guys on ’24’
So Jack Bauer foils them every season — so what? Every time he sends one to Guitmo, another one pops up with an even more outrageous plot. You know what kind of message this sends to freedom-loving United States of Americans? A bleak one.
If the successes of Baby Geniuses 1 and 2 have proven anything, it’s that babies are hot right now. Plus, our kids are out of control, anyway. In one fell swoop, we can relieve our fears of Islamofascicommuvikings and send evil babies to indefinite containment. It’ll make for the cutest interrogations EVAR.
As I said before, her earlier efforts against Dunkin’ Donuts were valiant … a little too valiant. While she may talk a big United States of American game, there’s no escaping that she’s a little too dark in appearance to be trusted. I mean, if we can’t tell if Rachel Ray does or does not support Islamofascicommuvikings because of a scarf, then I’m sorry, Ms. Malkin, but you’re just too scary looking for our television.
Replacement: Miss Piggy (or is it Mrs. the Frog?)
This lets the Islamofascicommuviking-looking folks out there know that we not only eat pigs, but we also love it when they use karate on other puppets/celebrity guest stars. She’s sassy, she doesn’t take any guff and she’s blonde.