Take it from Snee: Shut up, actors

You know what irks me?  Having to apologize to myself whenever I watch a movie starring Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Edward Norton, John and Joan Cusack, Martin Sheen, Darryl Hannah, Edward James Olmos, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, George Clooney, Christopher Reeves or any other politically-involved actor.

The same internal dialogue happens during the opening credits:

“OK, Rick.  You’re just watching their movie.  You’re not really paying them, more like paying their producers who only want you to see explosions and sequels. 

“Just pretend you didn’t accidentally read how they’re really into environmentalism, peace or walking again.  (Thank god the ‘Superman’s Grounded’ hoopla is over and done with!)  All you wanted to do was find out they were voted ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ again or made a sex tape to Google later. 

“It’s not your fault they told you things you didn’t want to hear.  You can just watch this movie where they read lines like the meat robots they actually are.”

So I get through all that, and guess what?  I missed the first 15 minutes and have to rewind!  That’s an expensive proposition if I actually go to the theater.  And Broadway shows refuse to do it entirely.

After three nonconsecutive beatdowns in Regal parking lots, I refuse to do it anymore.

No, I don’t mean I’m going to stop watching movies.  I’m a writer on a very important Web site, so that means I have a job to do: I’m going to criticize these actors, make bad jokes based on movies they acted in and obsess over point out their public misdeeds.

Edward Norton …

… You mind if I call you Ed?  Good.  Listen Ed, I didn’t read your interview in Slate to find out why you love the Earth so much.  I read it find out if there was going to be a Fight Club sequel.  (My “underground boxing club” is getting tired of repeating the same first two rules every Wednesday night.)  Look, it was funny when you pretended to be a tofu-eating child molester in Death to Smoochy, but let’s not take it too far, OK?  Now get crackin’ on a 26^th Hour with more “I hate people” rants.

Leonardo DiCaprio …

… First off, Leo, thanks for growing the facial hair.  I was starting to question my sexuality because you look too much like Cameron Diaz.

That said, shut up.  It’s one thing to make a movie that disagrees with me about global warming, but did you have to tell the press about it?  I get it: you’re trying to prove you make films of “substance,” but you know I’m tuning this one out.  You release your artsy-fartsy films quietly like Ethan Hawke and I’ll continue to try not to picture your girlish figure during sex.

George Clooney …

… How dare you, sir?  How dare you criticize my method of journalism?  Entertainment doesn’t push “the news off the air;” it is the news.  The worst part is that you said this knowing I would have to cover it just because you’re an actor, you manipulative bastard.

Whoopie Goldberg …

… OK, so you’ve had some good things to say.  You taught me that interracial relationships don’t just happen when football players get an endorsement deal.  You proved there was a Heaven and, more importantly, a Hell in Ghost.  But who do you think you are telling me I can get an abortion?  What if I want to have it and sell it to organ farms?  There’s only one person who can tell me what to do with my body and (profitable) unborn godsend, and that’s a man.

Rosie O’Donnell …

… There are no gay people in Iran, according to a very respectable source, the President of Iran himself.  Stew on that a bit, Rosie.  Now, if there are no gay people in one entire country, then how could homosexuality not be a choice?  The people there have chosen to respect the religious beliefs of their government.  Now how about doing the same?

Also, why can’t you find a nice man?  You and that Madonna guy looked so good together in A League of Their Own.

Tom Cruise …

… No criticism here, buddy.  Psycho people need religion, not drugs.  Keep up the good work.