Take it from Snee: Shut up and take it

My entreaties for peace fell on deaf ears (deaf eyes?) last week. I offered you people spaghetti and puppies, but look at us now: talking about potentially fighting in the streets if conditions are just right. We’re on the verge of a revolutionary civil world war, and it’s all because some people refuse to stop talking about threats.

Oh, did you think I was gonna take your side in this, Democrats and people who don’t like to be touched? No freakin’ way.

There are institutions to protect, practices to defend, and you have called down the thunder by daring to speak your opinion and effect change. And then, when we respond like a rational mob, you dare to accuse us of getting violent or angry?

Well. Conservative activists, Catholic apologists, school bullies and now I, Rick Snee, have had enough of your backtalk.

When leading Republicans denounced violence and threats last week in the wake of death threats and property damage last week, they weren’t about to just cave in to you pussies. They wanted to make sure that, although it’d be nice if glass wasn’t breakable with bricks, isn’t other people’s behavior your fault if you piss them off enough?

We all know that people who resort to violence and threats are simple people. I know that, you know that and Republicans like Eric Cantor and John Boehner know that. You need to have compassion for people too stupid to know they’re breaking the law and violating your right to own undamaged property or live.

To report their behavior to authorities and the media further antagonizes these people further, probably in ways you don’t understand:

  1. If convicted of a violent crime, these people will never be able to legally own a firearm again. Why are you taking their guns away, lib?
  2. Knowledge of the law just makes you sound like an elitist law professor.

See? Your stupid face is the problem here.

But if stifling political speech wasn’t enough, now it looks like bullies will be held accountable for their actions. Several high school students have been charged with crimes relating to the suicide of Phoebe Prince in South Hadley, Massachusetts.

What happened to kids will be kids (and never adults if they don’t make it to 18)? Guess what: kids need bullies. Bullies teach our kids important life lessons like:

  • It’s OK to take people’s lunch money if they give it to you without a fight. To be honest, couldn’t you stand to lose a few pounds, wienie?
  • Noogies make the best “bed head” hair-dos. But there’s no helping your face.
  • Might makes right, especially when you’re wrong. A victory is a victory, after all. Even if you won a double-wide.
  • Squealing just makes it worse. You don’t get it. When you’re threatened, the last thing you want to do is talk about it. That’ll just attract more threats. It’s like cancer: if you don’t talk about it or acknowledge its presence, it goes away.

And when bullies are suddenly accountable for their actions, then that leads to other victims, like pederast Catholic priests.

Opus Dei, which is to the Catholic Church as a nymphomaniac to the porn industry, has had enough with all of the allegations, accusations and criticisms of the way the Pope and other church officials have handled priests that abuse children.

They argue that the media is using this scandal to unfairly attack the Church and its priests. And they’re right: it’s not fair to malign everyone in the Catholic Church because not everyone has touched kids. They’d love to tell you which ones have, but they’ve been unfortunately shuffled around by their dioceses like the queen in a game of Three-Card Monty.

Besides, when priests touch you, weren’t you–in a way–sorta asking for it? I mean, who’s the real sinner here? The guy who took a vow of chastity? Or the sweet 10-year-old piece of ass that lured him into breaking those vows? I think we all know the answer to that question.

What happened to accepting a compliment gracefully? There’s nothing wrong with being sexy. When you’re older, you’re gonna wish you had the ass of a 10-year-old boy again. (20’s a hard age.)

See? Things are fine the way they are. By challenging stupid people to think about the ways they’re being beaten and molested into their sorry lots in life, you’re leaving them with the only recourse they understand: harming you to intimidate others.