In the 2007 episode of The Simpsons, “Husbands and Knives,” guest star Alan Moore (and writer of Watchmen and V for Vendetta) ripped into Milhouse for asking him to sign his DVD of Watchmen Babies in V for Vacation.
Milhouse took his life into his own hands, for Alan Moore is a ceremonial magician who communicates with gods, primarily the Roman snake god, Glycon.
Fortunately, DC has their own magical snake anti-venom: piles of money. And they now plan to use this immunity to publish seven new Watchmen prequels titled Before Watchmen, only this time without Alan Moore or Dave Gibbons.
All I can say is, after 25 years, it’s about damn time. Here’s why:
Establishing History
Even though at least half of Watchmen occurs in flashbacks, cunningly using multiple perspectives to illustrate how one character’s interpretation of the past could be flawed or unreliable when clarified by another’s, these prequels offer the opportunity to set down exactly which ones are right.
For instance, we know that Daniel Drieberg becomes the second Nite Owl after getting his blessing from retiring first Nite Owl, Hollis Mason. And we also know that Daniel continues to visit Hollis after his own retirement. But we don’t know if Daniel and Hollis ever compared outer-underwear bulges like Batman and Robin.
And how about some more of the zany adventures of Rorschach? Cleaving kiddie rapists and right-wing conspiracy theories galore!
More Vietnam, Less Floppy Blue Penis
Watchmen already establishes that Dr. Manhattan, at the request of President Richard Nixon, won Vietnam by vaporizing the entire Vietcong and North Vietnamese Army, who rightly worshiped him for it. But, with the addition of prequels, we can see more disintegrations and even more giant blue men.
This also presents the opportunity to show other stages of Dr. Manhattan’s costume evolutions prior to his dong. We’ve seen him in a thong, but what about before that? Was there a boy shorts phase? Maybe silly hats?
The Comedian is Still Alive
When the Comedian died at the very beginning of Watchmen, we missed the opportunity to hear him tell jokes, presumably about raping female team members and killing the mothers of his illegitimate children.
Ozymandias Builds His Empire
If the Star Wars prequels taught us anything, it’s that every prequel needs a lot of board room meetings and trade federations. By showing how Ozymandias generates his great wealth, we get to see Adrain Veidt hulk his way through Wall Street, but on the legit so as not to arouse the suspicions of the U.S. Government.
Sally Jupiter Gets Biz-zay
With Sally Jupiter depicted in her sexual prime, get ready for a lot of Laurie walking in on her with her various “uncles.”
Some rube once said that “less is more.” You know what else is more? More. Thank you, DC. Thank you for more of what you already did 25 years ago.
Is that bloody semen? Rick, you need to get that checked out.