I’ve had a lot of fun with Star Wars in this column. So much so, in fact, that I may surprise you that I am also a Star Trek fan.
The Star Trek universe is harder to write about because it is so f%@king vast. Even with the “expanded universe” of books, Star Wars roughly covers the same four characters every goddamn installment. Meanwhile, there have been four crews of the USS Enterprise alone, a whole other ship, a space station and the new alien race they meet every episode.
While both share roughly the same fans, those fans usually prefer one over another and will fight to the asthma attack over it. It is my duty to settle this contest, and I’ll just say it now: Star Trek won. I base my–what will obviously be considered–controversial decision on the following criteria:
Androids vs. Artificial Lifeforms
You are about to embark on what could be a perilous journey. Do you take (a) R2-D2 and C-3PO or (b) Lt. Commander Data?
On the one hand, R2-D2 is the Roomba version of the Swiss Army Knife that can do everything except explain what the f#&k he’s doing in Kenny Baker’s English. For that, you’ll need C-3PO, who will spend half of his translation bickering with R2 and the other half bitching about the weather. He also falls apart real easily, which wouldn’t be a problem if he weren’t fatalistic, too.
Or, you can take Data, who is competent, accommodating and can play the violin for that big romantic dinner you have planned.
Winner: Star Trek
Treating the disabled
It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t give at least one category to Star Wars. Walking in a Darth Vader suit beats scooting around in a Captain Pike chair every time.
Winner: Star Wars
Flying safety record
Star Trek is famous for its stunning lack of seat belts, no matter how many times crewmembers have been thrown from their chairs, or “battle stations,” in the middle of goddamn battles. Yet, the keep on keepin’ on like your grandparents in their Oldsmobile.
The Enterprise herself has been destroyed five times, and a full unexaggerated half of those were self-destructs. So, on the plus side: the only thing she can’t handle is a Captain jonzing fornext year’s model.
Federation ships’ warp cores breach on an almost weekly basis, dilithium crystals have the surface density of really dry cake and the transporter created two Rikers once.
Still, this gives everyone a better fighting chance than fighter combat.
There are capital ships in Star Wars, but the majority of fighting is done in one-on-one dogfights. These are great for an audience, but bad for the average fighter pilot who boasts an average lifespan of 30 seconds after exiting the hangar or hyperspace.
The death toll from combat and millions of unrecorded training accidents caused both sides to lower their recruitment standards. The Old Republic ordered clones, the Trade Federation used robots and the Rebel Alliance let an untested farm boy pilot our equivalent of a $30 billion dollar state-of-the-art fighter plane. Only it also flies in space. And the wings split apart into a cool X-shape.
Maybe that’s why healthcare seems better in Star Wars: how many wounded survivors could there be?
Winner: Star Trek
Pounds of child actors per square foot of film
The original Star Trek series (TOS) and the original Star Wars trilogy featured very few children whatsoever.
The original trilogy employed dwarves whenever a role called for someone shorter than Mark Hamill’s resume (burn!) and the only child I can remember is a young Warwick Davis, who played the world’s smallest, most adorable Ewok. (Feelings about ewoks aside.)
TOS didn’t allow children on board the Enterprise. Therefore, the only kids that Kirk and Co. encountered were a young Clint Howard and the occasional underage girl whom Jim taught sex.
Now, while Star Trek: The Next Generation (TNG) dropped the ball way back in 1987 with Wesley Crusher and Alexander Ro-Worf’s-son, Star Wars learned nothing from the nerd hate and turned the prequels into Star Wars Babies, featuring Darth Baby, Baby Fett, a mildly-younger/more mercurial Yoda, a roomful of (thankfully slaughtered) Baby Jedi Knights and a special cameo by Baby Luke and Baby Leia.
Winner (and overall champion): Star Trek