As a driver, I happen to know that I am the very best driver there is.
Don’t pretend it isn’t true. Fess up. You’ve got tickets. There was that little fender-bender a few years ago. And that was somebody’s grandmother you just flipped off.
I, however, have no such issues. My relatively few tickets and whoopsies (“accidents” are so formal) weren’t due to driver incompetence; they were because of booze. And we all know that alcoholism is a disease. You wouldn’t blame someone’s tumor for groping you in the elevator, right? Right.
But maintaining my flawless (sober) record is wearing my nerves out. I’ve raised the bar very slowly the past 10 years, dispelling the naysayers with commute after commute of form-perfect driving, but you other drivers refuse to follow my example.
Well, no more Mr. Nice Guy! You’ve caught me in between my annual Labor Day Weekend Mad Max Trilogy Parties*, so I’m itching for street justice! I won’t be sated until red lights are obeyed, blood is on the street or AMC runs those movies very, very soon.
Here’s how it’s gonna go down:
Traffic Lights
I will obey all traffic lights to the letter. Well, to the color … You know what I’m talking about.
This means that if you run the red light and I have a green one, then pray our paths do not cross. You will hear my truck’s war cry: a whiny Toyota toot. I will not deviate from my drive path, for my destiny was granted by the inanimate light box hanging above us. You will either move out of the way or I shall drive through you; the choice is yours.
Turn Signals
If there is no signal, then you are not going to merge into my lane or turn in front of me.
No, I don’t care what you’re actually doing. If there was no signal, it is not happening. I will not apologize if I crush the children in the backseat, for this was your doing. Besides, do you fail to see the irony of a “Baby On Board” sign, but no turn signal?
Speed Limits
If you are in the left lane, but driving under the speed limit, I will not pass you on the left. I will follow you at a distance of no greater than one foot until you move over to the left.
Before I get any comments about safe following distances, let me remind you that we are already traveling well below the posted speed limit — I’m sure this is the safe following distance at a reduced velocity.
Brake Lights
Anyone missing a break light will be reported to the authorities. Yeah, tattling is kind of a puss move, but I love seeing police cars accidentally rear-end people who never inspect their lights.
Acceptable Music Volume
If I can hear your music over mine, then I will increase my volume. Yes, I know you love your music so much that I must want to hear it, so I will return the favor.
Let me state, as a warning, that I will be listening only to Starship’s “We Built This City.” Good luck getting that out of your head, punk.
*Hey, Labor Day/Mad Max Fans:
Why spend your last weekend of summer at the pool? I’m looking for someone very small or very big to finish up my Master Blaster cosplay outfit for this year’s weekend bash!
To apply, email pictures of yourself next to one of those convenience store door heightometers along with $1 for invitation postage.