Take it from Snee: The ‘i’ is for ‘indecency’

Second hottest. (Yes, I'm aware that she's dead.)(Updated 26 June 2009 below!)

There was a brief dust-up in the iPhone world today. I’d mention that it affected the iPod Touch, but have only seen these mythological non-3G beasts in Apple Stores. Apple finally approved the development and sale of adult-oriented apps in the iTunes store.

The first app to get greenlit is “Hottest Girls,” which apparently shows you naked women of the “hottest” variety. I haven’t downloaded it, yet, but my definition of “hottest” is pregnant transsexual quadruple amputees sitting in dietary breakfast shakes, so we’ll see if there’s a lawsuit for false advertising in that developer’s future.

Unfortunately, I can’t test it out. Apple pulled the app after mere hours of approving it.

Now, now. Let’s not pull out our Amateur Constitutional Scholars’ beanies yet. Apple pulled it because the developer couldn’t keep up with people’s request for it. Each $1.99 pays for a software license, and the poor folks couldn’t keep up with the volume. “Hottest Girls” will allegedly return, fret not. (All patently false. See update below.)

But, this still raises an important two-part question: (1) why did Apple wait until now–almost two years after the initial iPhone release–to add adult content apps, and more importantly (2) why are people paying for them?

Allow me to explain a couple of things to the Apple Corporation and its users:

1) Macs are great for making porn.

Thanks to the delightful hardware and software from Apple, it’s never been easier to make your own pornography.

  • Use professional-grade video editing for swapping camera angles. (No more static handcam angles!)
  • There’s Photoshop for superimposing a celebrity’s head on a porn star’s body and “leaking” it to the Internet.
  • You can even use Garage Band to compose a soundtrack worthy of the recently departed Farrah Fawcett.

The idea that Macs aren’t used for perverted purposes already is a bizarre one. Computers aren’t smut, the content created by computer users–including ones who “think different”–is smut. In fact, better minds have already proven that the porn industry is almost singlehandedly (heh) responsible for our level of Internet technology today.

So, thanks, Apple, and way to finally get on board with the next step in personal, erm, finger-scrolling.

But the weird part is that Apple already knew this, even back in the Long, Long Time Ago when first starting the company:

Could it be that the “i” always stood for “indecent?” Let’s ask the spokesmen:

2) You’re an idiot.

I’d use more words here, but what’s the point? If you’re complaining that Apple won’t let you look at naked people on your iPhone, then you wouldn’t understand what I’m typing here anyway.

I will say this, though: it’s free with your service plan, you dope.

UPDATE (26 June 2009):

Apple has released an official statement saying that they did pull the “Hottest Girls” (not to be confused with “Hottest Grills”) app. Their reason was that the developer added adult content to an existing app without their permission and, furthermore, “Apple will not distribute applications that contain inappropriate content, such as pornography.”

Wow, Apple. That’s a tough stance to take on a device that provides the entire Internet, unfiltered.