Take it from Snee: The King’s Naughty Speech

The Oscar nominations were announced this week, which means it’s time for the average American to pretend to care about non-explodey movies.

The one film that most people will lie about seeing when writing their “Top 2010 Movies” lists is The King’s Speech. Let’s not kid ourselves: it’s about a British king, but not one that fights battles alongside talking animals. This movie wasn’t made; it was grown in a lab to take up space in your Netflix cue.

But Miramax head, Harvey Weinstein (whose last name can’t decide how to pronounce “-ein”), has a plan: editing out the swearing to bump it down to a PG-13 or PG rating. This makes sense because the movie has seriously been hurt by the lack of grade schoolers asking their parents, “Who’s Winston Churchill?” in a crowded theater.

What might such a movie sound like, long before it reaches even basic cable? Read on for Harry, England and St. George!

INT. LIONEL’S OFFICE

LIONEL
You don’t stammer when you swear?

ALBERT
No, bugs are gross.

LIONEL
Is that the best you can do?

ALBERT
Well, body baggers, you priestly plaster.

LIONEL
A public school prig could do better than that.

ALBERT
Chit.

Ship snit schtick. Chip. Thwip twit bit skit kit! GIST! SCRIPT!

LIONEL
Defecation flows dripplingly from the tongue.

ALBERT
BECAUSE I’M SO ANGRY!

LIONEL
Do you know the f-word?

ALBERT
F … f-formulation?

LIONEL
Oh, Bertie.

ALBERT
Fart.

Fart!

FART FART FARTING FART FART FARTING PLUGGER! MUGGER THUDDER BUTTERY FLUTTERY UTTERLY FART FART BASS–

LIONEL
–Yes!–

ALBERT
–COOLS POOLS MUSTERLY NIP SLIP–

LIONEL
–You see? Not a hesitation–

BERTIE
–FARTING SILLY! SNIP AND FART AND tips.

And … scene!

Well, wasn’t that uplifting? Not only does Bertie make a breakthrough in his speech therapy, but also no children in the audience heard a single swear word. And the best part is that now your kids can tell their little friends all about Prince Albert!

… Oh.