Take it from Snee: The line between celebrity and reality (Costner Edition)

As I and other celebrities get older, it becomes harder to differentiate between the roles we’ve played and the regular a$$holes we used to be. (I still put my pants on one leg at a time, but each foot is bathed in frankincense before inserted into the crotch part.)

The Gulf oil leak has dominated the news, and there’s only so much left for any of us can write about plans to put BP’s greasy turd back in its oceanic butthole. I’m plum out of ideas because, as much as I’d love to come up with a solution, the only way to prevent my leaky poop metaphor is to not play with buttplugs and Ex-Lax in the first place.

But, little would I believe that Kevin Costner may be the cure. For oil. Not diarrhea. We’re back to literalism here.

Yes, the man whose only seeming qualification is a willingness to spend millions of other people’s money on Waterworld may very well save the Redneck Riviera.

To put this in perspective, if this works, Tutanka’s next trick may be to save the U.S. Postal Service, hopefully without hordes of anarchist rapists.

Or, to take this further, let’s revisit the last time I had trouble straddling the ever-diminishing line between celebrity and reality. 

Steven Segal is actually arresting you. You're not high.Arnold Schwarzenegger keeps his Conan Atlantean sword in his office as governor of California, a crown he won with the blood of thousands earned an office with the votes of millions.

Steven Seagal is a Sherrif’s deputy in the Jefferson Parish of New Orleans. He got the position by teaching cops there his martial arts moves and avenging their deaths endearing himself to them.

Tony Danza is a public high school teacher in Philadelphia, where he and his daughter will bond over her mother’s loss he’ll try to teach some kids English literature and maybe-a-little theater if they’re good, eh?

Could the line between celebrity fiction and reality blur any more? Here are my suggestions:

Bronson Pinchot has made goofy voices his entire life, from Eastern European from a fictional country to Eastern European from a real country.

But … then he has a tragic Taco Bell accident that gives him a permanent speech impediment that sounds like West African from a real country with an unrecognized government.

Watch as our film crew follows him on a European Union speaking tour for foreign aid in Bronson Pinchot’s Post-colonial Theory!

R. Lee Ermey has played drill instructors, police chiefs and an ex-con ex-football coach once.

But … what happens when the tough guy is the wussiest man in the room? Find out in R. Lee Ermey Verbally Berates the World’s Strongest Men as They Carry Very Big Things.

Robin Williams’ madcap 200-mph improvisations have frustrated animators and film editors alike since he learned he could buy more cocaine with movie salaries.

But … when he wakes up mysteriously pregnant, his hormones turn his world upside down! He’s speechless with pre-partum depression! He’s unable to flail his arms around his giant belly! He’s sitting slowly and unable to tie loose referential comparisons together!He’s Morking a Baby!

Denzel Washington is America’s favorite black man. He made Malcolm X palatable in the suburbs. He reminded America that, though he wasn’t in Roots, he could have been with Glory. Even when he plays a villain, nobody notices the Ethan Hawke or Russel Crowe sitting next to him.

But … then we invented a time machine, which will beam Denzel into each and every important moment of black history. Follow him as he

  • Establishes the first societies in the world
  • Is enslaved by Europeans
  • Frees himself in the Civil War (and 91 years earlier in Great Britain)
  • Invents the stop light
  • Kisses William Shatner for the first televised interracial kiss
  • Wins the Best Actor Academy Award in 1963
  • And much, much more!

And we’re getting it all on film through his Malcolm X glasses-mounted camera for Where in Black History is Denzel Washington?

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