Take it from Snee: The McCain Saboteur


OK, I’ve kept my mouth (fingers?) shut–politically–since the Democratic primary. I mean, there isn’t much to this presidential race right now.

In the one corner, you’ve got Barack Obama. He’s young, black, has only served in Congress for four years and is a Democrat. Despite all of that, he’s running a smart campaign with few gaffes, won plenty of German votes and has managed to avoid any accusation of extra-marital affairs.

In the other corner, there’s John McCain. He’s old, white, has served in Congress for almost as long as I’ve been alive, nearly won the nomination in 2000 and is a Republican AND war vet. Sure, he’s had his mix-ups like outdated geography and screwing up the dance steps to the Macarena, but that’s been the winning formula since 1789, when George Washington shooed the first kids off the South Lawn.

So, no offense to Senator Obama, but why on Earth is McCain looking so bad? Is he really this clueless, or is there someone sabotaging his campaign?

Let’s go back, shall we? Let’s visit a simpler time when we thought there were two candidates in this race.

June 4, 2008: The past-his-bedtime speech

Somebody thought it would be a good idea to have McCain give a speech the same night Obama accepted the Democratic nomination … against a green backdrop.

The pancreatic-tinted candidate pretended to be environmentally-friendly. His plan had something to do with being a zombie.

OK, making him look sickly on television–that’s subtle. And, sure, it enabled Stephen Colbert to host a green screen contest on his show, but Stephen makes fun of everyone. That’s not really suspicious.

July 16, 2008: One of us is history-making for the NAACP

So where does he go next? Reminding everyone how one of the candidates in this race is making history for the NAACP. (Hint: it’s not the old white male.)

But, let’s give this guy the benefit of the doubt. It was really big of him, and his advisers, to warm the crowd up for Obama.

August 1, 2008: You love this guy

You know how a lot of you really like this guy? Let’s just reaffirm that with these ads:

This is starting to get weird. I understand the Karl Rove playbook consists of highlighting your opponent’s strongpoints to look like weaknesses, but isn’t the presidential election the nation’s biggest popularity contest?

I mean, they don’t go this route even on Survivor. They’ll hint around that Steve’s almost too good at catching big game, but they won’t bring up his winning smile. Or how good of a storyteller he was at the campfire.

Worse yet, McCain managed to make America sympathetic to Paris Hilton. Had the average American gotten their way, Paris would have received the death penalty for her DUI, but now he’s losing to her, too?

August 4, 2008: Mock mocking?

Forgetting his “green” speech on June 4, McCain launches a new campaign item to mock Obama’s suggestion for Americans to maintain proper tire inflation: tire gauges with “Obama Energy Plan” written on them.

So, somebody in the campaign thought that the best way to discredit Obama’s idea was to provide them the means to do exactly what he said: measure their tire pressure, inflate them to the proper level and watch their fuel consumption ease off a little.

Oh, yeah: and McCain’s name is nowhere on the damn thing. This is when my fiancée Julie turned to me and said, “Why would anyone give an out a promotional item with their opponent’s name on it? Is there a saboteur in the McCain camp?”

It was an interesting idea, but a saboteur? That’s almost too cynical, even for me. McCain’s the kind of guy who tries to shoot jokes from the hip: sometimes it’s a direct hit, but most of the time, he hits a window and pays to fix it later.

August 12, 2008: Who likes chicks, right? Ew.

This had to be the shortest-lived negative campaign ad of all time:

How long did it last? Just long enough for everyone to point out that, yes, John McCain is right: “chicks” dig Obama. It certainly would behoove single young men to say they’re voting for him, as they could score an eight–which is two levels above their personal best.

To put this in historic context, picture the first 1960 Kennedy-Nixon debate. Nixon has a cold, he hasn’t shaved today and he’s sweating through his gray suit. Kennedy is having what I would imagine is a good hair day.

Moderator: Senator Kennedy, thank you for that response.

Kennedy: You’re quite welcahm.

[Audience laughter]

Moderator: Vice President Nixon, would you like to retort to Senator Kennedy’s position on tariffs?

Nixon: Yes, I would. But first, I’d like to comment on how attractive Senator Kennedy looks tonight. Jack–if I may be so bold–I must say that it is amazing how many of these young women in the audience love you, though I can’t say I blame them. I mean, just look at you: you’re young, fit, your hair does that flippy-thing, those tight bu–

Moderator: You’ve run out of time, Mr. Vice President. Onto the next question ….

That’s where we’re at right now: an experienced campaigner who is unable to stop talking about how great his opponent is. McCain has appeared as a guest on The Daily Show more than any other past presidential candidate, including Bob Dole, yet he suddenly can’t tell a decent–or, more importantly, helpful–joke to save his life.

So, whoever it is in this campaign that’s sabotaging it, please step forward. You deserve a standing ovation.