Take it from Snee: The motherf@#king First Amendment

The First Amendment is a funny thing. After the U.S. Constitution was ratified, it was the very first of ten proposed additions that would guarantee certain rights to citizens. The fact that a bunch of guys would propose free speech and religion before guns shows that either

a) We used to be more sophisticated than our modern breed that flocked to The Expendables this weekend, or

b) The Founding Fathers realized shooting people is worthless unless you have the right to say something really cool beforehand.

And, really, is there anything more American than unrestrained words and gun violence? You could tell they were really reaching for ideas afterwards because the next amendment they could think up was quartering, followed by some lawyer s&#t.


It remains the most important and exercised right to this day. It’s also the most contagious.

All I have to do is say in this space that you, yes you, are an a$$hole. I could even go further to explain how you fail at the very basic functions of life, including but not limited to reading comprehensively, hygiene and baking. I can also say that it wouldn’t surprise me if you had sex with children, because I didn’t directly say whether you do or not. (But, still, I could see where others might get that idea about you.)

Chances are pretty good that you’ll respond, albeit horribly misspelled and thoroughly incoherent because you’re stupid, too.

This could go back and forth until I stop responding because I’m also more mature than you, which isn’t to brag because you have the culture of pond scum.

Wait, everyone has it?

A side effect of the First Amendment is that it’s easy to forget that other people have it besides you. It’s like being proud of your ability to make spit bubbles, only to get booed off stage at the talent show because every other second grader can, too.

So getting dragged off stage (which is clearly censorship, right?), the next act takes stage and lights their farts on fire. You’re appalled! It’s classless, disgusting and features singed nudity–why didn’t you think of that!?

So you write to your congressman stage a protest bitch on Facebook about how your right to not be offended has been violated and fart-burning should be banned for the sake of decency. Unfortunately, such a right does not exist because fart-burning was the most efficient way to dispose methane in crowded convention halls in 1789. The Founders trumped you again.

So, what can I do about it?

Nothing. Because you can’t repeal the First Amendment without invoking it at some point.

Your choices are to silently not practice it at all, quietly pretend-killing anyone who ever says something you hate or worships something stupid. Or, to speak out against everyone who ever says anything ever, otherwise, you’re a hypocrite for tolerating some displays and not others.

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