We suburban Americans are normally a cowardly lot. We don’t really grow a pair of balls until wrapped in steel Toyotas and a horn can do our talking.
But, there are certain times when we just can’t resist making someone feel like s@&t about their personal habits.
Prime example: smoking.
Don’t get me wrong: I don’t have sympathy for smokers, and I smoke. But it doesn’t matter where you light up. It could be in the clearly marked smoking area, a corn field in the middle of Nebraska, an asbestos shingles factory in Bangladesh or the Earth’s molten core. Somebody will walk up to you and say, “You know that’s killing you, right?”
Or, “You should quit that.”
Sometimes even, “Could you at least take the condom off, first?”
And you want to say something smart assed back because, you know, f#%k them for stating the obvious.
But it’s obvious because they’re right. There’s no way to look smart when you’re arguing about, say, gun safety when there’s a smoking bullet hole in your left Croc. (Also: you’re wearing Crocs.)
But, there is a way to make them feel bad for mentioning it at all: “You know I’m trying to quit, right?”
Yeah, you didn’t know that, did you, you scolding piece of s@&t. (And I’ll start up again as soon as you leave.)
“Oh, wow. Congratulations! I hear quitting smoking’s really tough.”
“Yeah,” while taking a drag. “It’s like quitting heroin … I hear.”
And that’s it: you’ve gone from dumbass to inspiration in 10 seconds.
The “I’m quitting” method works for other publicly deplored lifestyles. Variations include:
- Obesity: “I’m on a diet.” It may not be an effective diet, but it’s still–as far as they know–a diet.
- Infidelity: “I’m in therapy for sex addiction.”
- Drinking: “I only drink light beer now.” It’s like switching to horror movies after giving up serial killing. Nobody dies on light beer … unless they starve.
- Stupidity: “I’m studying for my GED.” The GED implies more overcome adversities than stupidity. It could mean you came from a bad home or had to go to work after your parents died in that hot air balloon accident. Basically, you can milk this one for places to stay, sex, free drinks and autographs.
- Child Molestation: “I’m entering the priesthood.” DISCONTINUED
So, quit taking much deserved s@$t from Captain Obvious. Try the “I’m quitting” method today!