Take it from Snee: The Rainbow Fridge

As a Facebook user, I see what I would normally consider bright and rational people reveal just how close we all are to succumbing to pyramid schemes and cults.

Instead of convincing our friends to buy and sell Amway products, we sell them out to marketing companies through Mafia and Farmville games. When that doesn’t work, we take quizzes and publish the results so we can all form our own Hogwarts band consisting of three Harrys, two Rons and one gender-confused Professor McGonagall.

But, there’s a sneakier, insidious cult forming on Facebook and the Internet at large: dead pet mission work.

Have you seen this s#@t?

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….

First of all, the Web site has been around since 1997 and looks like it, complete with textured background, Comic Sans font and text copied directly from whatever chainmail “FiFi’s” owners took entirely too seriously that day.

Second, who the hell has only one pet? If you buy into this crap enough to post it as part of your life story on Facebook, then I find it hard to believe there’s only one cat waiting for their crazy ass.

Does this mean that if I die tomorrow, and if there’s a Heaven, then I gotta maneuver a gauntlet of countless dead fish, three rabbits (one already eaten), one dog, several hamsters, two birds and two colonies of ants? And that’s before I have to hug every relative like I’m in the receiving line of a zombie wedding? Holy f#@k.

Maybe there’s a cutoff for relative intelligence levels, so animals that all look alike (i.e., smaller birds, turtles, goldfish) just get recycled back into pet shops.

Tarantulas certainly don’t make the cut, right? They must go to Hell to crawl into pederasts’ genitals.

Finally, how the f&@k do they know pets subscribe to the Judeo-Christian belief system? Did you take them to church?

Did they undergo confirmation by accepting the snausaged body of Christ? Did you ever have a heated exchange with your pet because they don’t tolerate homosexuality due to their simplistic interpretation of the Bible? (To be fair, it’s amazing they could interpret it at all.)

If this isn’t a cult reimagining the afterlife to their own ends, then I don’t know what is. But, you know what? It’s basically harmless.

I just think they got the message wrong. And that’s why I’m here, not to merely entertain, but to show you God’s true intent: the Rainbow Fridge.

You ever have a great steak? How about your best Thanksgiving dinner? Imagine being able to eat that burger from that place that closed for good right after you found it?

If you said that it sounds like heaven, then you, too, will enjoy perusing through the Rainbow Fridge.

And if you couldn’t eat certain animals when you were alive because you were allergic or your bitch of a wife wouldn’t let you eat a pony, then just pop into the Rainbow Fridge.

And if you loved your pets before, then you’ll really love them when you find them in the Rainbow Fridge.