Take it from Snee: The rainbow in every oil spill

So, how about that leak in the Gulf of Mexico, right?

You’re probably expecting a punchline about how terrible it is, or how many animals are going to die or how we could have avoided all of this by investing more in alternative renewable energy back in the 70s.

Well, you’re not going to get that here. In fact, I think this is a good thing. Allow me show you how, in every oil spoil, there’s a rainbow lining.

NOTE: Rick Snee is writing this article of its own free will. Any checks from BP have not cleared yet.

Free oil

You know what I call it when the huge multinational conglomerate that I buy my groceries from accidentally spills orange juice all over the floor? Free OJ.

All the fisherman are moaning about how the oil’s gonna wreck their livelihood. Is that so, Gordon? Then why don’t you get a bucket and sell some oil, huh? Jesus said it best:

Less mercury poisoning

If anything, we should thank BP and Transocean for killing off Gulf fish. Did you know that nearly all fish and shellfish contain traces of mercury? In fact, some of them contain enough mercury to hurt unborn and young children’s nervous systems.

Thanks to the spill, many of these harmful creatures will die or at least slip carelessly through fishing nets. Those that remain will taste so bad that people may never eat seafood again.

So, the real question is why do fishermen hate babies?

Prettier post cards

There are a lot of nicknames for sections of the Gulf: the Redneck Riviera, the Atlantic’s Syphilitic Cousin, Hemingway’s Bathwater … Basically, it doesn’t stand a chance in hell against other beaches like Hawaii, mostly because it’s not as pretty, and it sometimes smells like Houston.

But, as I mentioned above, the oil spill will add a picturesque sheen to an otherwise unremarkable body of water. Hawaii may have rainbows and beautiful water, but what about rainbows in water?

Prettier people

Since the Middle Ages, people have claimed certain bodies of water contain healing properties, the ability to restore youth or even just make you look better. Also, kings were anointed with oil.

Thanks to the new properties to the Gulf water, after just one dip, you will love your hair: