I live in a world filled with problems. I’d say you do, too, but I haven’t determined if you are real. Either way, let’s just say you live in a world that I may have created in my head and it’s full of problems.
In this world of problems, there are problem-solvers. Some of them are qualified (plumbers), and others are self-appointed (that nosy bitch next door). Even the most qualified of problem-solvers, though, can misdiagnose your problem or even treat the right problem incorrectly.
Analogically-speaking, I’ve watched the world pour Drano on this colicky baby far too long. I would be at fault if I didn’t step in.
Now, I’m not going to lie to you–sitting all high and mighty in my custom low-rider office chair–and tell you I have all the answers. I don’t. I just have the right ones.
(By that, I mean “correct,” not right versus left.)
Teachers are sleeping with underage students.
Every day, another teacher is incarcerated, tried and usually pleads guilty to having sex with an underage student. If the teacher is male, it’s treated like rape, and if the teacher’s female, it’s awesome rape.
The responses to this problem range from prison sentences and sex offender status for teachers to abstinence-only education for students.
The Right Solution: All teachers must attend classes and pass an exam for abstinence. Let’s face it: teens are hot and stupid. That lesson won’t work on them. But teachers, well, it’s their job to learn useless facts and apply it to an underpaid, unappreciated profession.
Immigrants are entering this country illegally.
Criminals, terrorists and janitors are sneaking across our southern border despite patrols by the finest armed rednecks the USA can spare. (The rest are busy driving NASCAR.)
For every one that is caught, at least a dozen more slip past in a hatchback. Our non-Latino featherweight boxers have never had a harder time reaching the big-time. Our children are even asking for Fire Sauce at Taco Bell in Spanish!
Aside from throwing our unemployable at these job-stealers, proposed solutions include just granting them all amnesty or raiding every goddamn Home Depot.
The Right Solution: Let’s start moving to Mexico. And then we’ll steal their manual labor jobs, open American restaurants on every block and demand all signs to be published in English, too. Slowly, we’ll change the entire culture of Mexico, making it more like America. (Larry the Cable Guy could be their Carlos Mencia!) And that’s when the Mexicans will come home.
Hey, it worked with Texas.
Teens are sending naked pictures of themselves to others using cell phones.
Dubbed by the press as “sexting,” the explicit pictures are used to allegedly solicit sex and document the airing-out of genitals. (Have you aired yours out today?)
Much like the student-teacher sex problem, experts are pushing to charge male students with child pornography and statutory rape charges (even though they didn’t take the pictures and they are also underage). Also, abstinence-only education is proposed as a solution to teens not necessarily having sex … until they make better cell phones.
The Right Solution: I’m not saying this problem needs to be solved, but you know what would slow it down? Parents could stop tethering their teens with wireless leashes.
Sorry, folks, but who were you kidding when you bought your child a cell phone to only be used how and when you want? That’s like buying a Klansman lighter fluid and hoping he only uses it for grilling at your Sunday barbecue.
Teens can spend all day on the phone. All day. Their ears are made of stronger cartilage, they have more bands and TV shows to talk about and they haven’t seen enough of the world to be unimpressed with their rooms.
That, however, will not get them pregnant. The right solution in this case is let them use their phones for sexting … and padlock their doors and windows at night.
Politicians lied to us about x or y.
Imagine you’re the part-owner of a company. As part-owner, one of your job functions is to appoint exemplary employees to the Futures Committee.
Members of the Futures Committee are in charge of evaluating the company’s current policies and financial status to determine future improvements and new initiatives. To achieve these measures, they must therefore determine the annual budget.
Unfortunately, you’ve found out that some of them have lied about their performance. In one case, a board member was beating up a rival corporation’s employees in the Arby’s parking lot for inside information. Another member was caught diddling your wife on company time. Several cut off your access to affordable health care, and every single one of them were caught stealing from the petty cash box to pay for home improvement projects.
That’s how our country works. And we’re all pissed off at our politicians for it.
To date, you and your fellow 231,229,579 part-owners have tried isolating the blame on one party or the other and voting them out of office, indicting them for even minor infractions (like lying about a BJ), starting new parties, engaging in civil war and turning to religion.
The Right Solution: Force 24-hour news networks to cover foreign news as religiously as they covered Michael Jackson’s funeral.
It fixes 24-hour news, which fills dead air time with blowhards (O’Reilly, Olbermann, Dobbs) stroking off to their favorite issues. More news means only the important U.S. news gets reported, no more distractions.
Also, covering world events means that we’ll get a little more perspective on our own government. Likely conclusions to be drawn would include:
- “Well, it could be worse here.”
- “Looks like humans have the same problems no matter where you go and who’s in charge.”
- “Huh, I wonder if that could work here.”