Take it from Snee: The State of Cool Address

Good evening, my fellow Internet users.

It my duty as the coolest person on the Internet to report every so often on the state of cool: that is, what is cool, what is no longer cool, threats to coolness and cool programs I am spearheading to keep our collective pimp hand strong.

As we approach 2009, we have reached a crucial focal point for what is cool. Environmentalism, economics and the downfall of Hot Topic raise many questions in the cool person’s mind. In these uncertain times, we shall work together to lift a few select individuals above the crowd.

Music

The music industry is a difficult field to study in regards to coolness. Historically, musicians are nerds and executives are marketing majors (e.g., people who lie about what is cool). Pop music skews the numbers because it is enjoyable to many people, but it is in no way cool because cool isn’t about popularity; it’s about eliteness.

Classic Rock is cool: While purists will claim that the classics have always been cool, the greats of the past are cool again. AC/DC has resurged after a devastating montage in Varsity Blues, Led Zepplin and David Bowie were both tacitly endorsed on The Venture Brothers and Bruce Springsteen could easily become the next U.N. ambassador.

That, and they’re the only fun songs on Guitar Hero.

Hip-hop is uncool: Rap was only cool when it was threatening. Soulja Boy is to hip-hop as Avril Lavigne was to punk rock. Kanye West is to black rage what Michael Bolton was to white sentimentality. Snoop’s only crime these days is selling out to anyone who will put him in front of a camera.

I am pleased to announce that we are winning the War on Britney Spears. While there are reports from the Liberal Media of another comeback attempt, our expert intelligence analysts say this is the final death throw of a cornered mongoose. We will win this fight against Britney, N’Sync and any one else who would harbor hair gel and sappy lyrics about high school.

However, there are always those who envy our way of coolness and will always try to take our coolness away. I call upon every cool person to remain vigilant and to keep duct tape handy should you catch a pop starlet attempting to subvert your favorite music.

Also, I need about $200 million in taxes.

Technology

Technology is possibly the only field where things are irrevocably uncool once they are outdated. There is no retro in the computer world. (Cars are not categorized as technology, but as conveyance.)

While the iPhone has enjoyed unparalleled coolness for the past two years, there is a threat to its awesomeness on the horizon. No, it’s not the Blackberry Storm; any product given to you by your employer is not cool. It’s the rumored 4-gig iPhone 3G that may sell at Wal-Mart for $99.

Wal-Mart is never cool. The first thing you see when you walk inside is an old person (strike one). They sell their own crappy off-brand of everything (strike two). They have a Subway, but no skateboard ramps (strike three).

On top of that, everyone who is uncool will potentially be able to afford an iPhone. Remember when flat-panel TVs were cool? When only three percent of the population owned them because Wal-Mart didn’t sell them.

That is why it is my hope that the Cool Congress will pass my iPhone Salvation Package, which would designate $100 million towards the development of a solar model available only through Apple Stores.

Conveyance (Your hoopty)

As for cars, there has been a complete reversal in the what is cool and what isn’t.

Economy models are cool: They burn less gas, fit into smaller spaces and don’t scream, “Wow, look how much money I make/spend!”

As a caveat: adding a spoiler to said economy car will damage its coolness value. Nobody believes your Sonata can fly, Batman.

SUVs are uncool: Unless it’s covered in mud from obvious off-roading, everybody is convinced your 4-wheel drive tank exists solely to pull your big stupid boat around. Also, they remind everyone of hip-hop, which is full of clowns. Armed clowns, sure, but clowns nevertheless.

(Interestingly, the giant H2 carrying one VIP rapper is the precise contrast to 30 clowns pouring out of a Volkswagen Beetle. And equally hilarious.)

Ethnicity

We are a diverse world, full of so many ethnicities, and each one has something cool to offer the rest of the world. However, one is always inherently cooler than the rest for brief periods of time.

The Irish are uncool: Sure, there are cool Irish people, but no longer automatically awesome without due vetting. The age of Irish chic has passed, mostly due to zealous celebration of St. Patrick’s Day and too many viewings of The Boondock Saints. Irish people will return to normal ethnic status and individuals must once again prove their coolness through music, knowledge and hair.

Black people are cool: Once again, black is the new black. With Barack Obama’s election to the presidency, everyone will want to show off how many black friends they’ve got.

Comedic Leading Men

As you know, coolness is a comedy-based economy, unlike those godless drama whores in Russia. Comedy is a constantly ebbing and flowing currency that evolves with the free hand of the comedian.

In years past, clean family jokes kept cool people running. In the war years, we perservered through the use of cruel slapstick violence. But when peace returned, we put our fists back into our pockets and made wry observations.

Robert Downey, Jr. is cool: In this day and age, it is believable, ballsy jokes that will restore our foundering ecomedy. RDJ can be a serious dramatic actor, which he then uses to sell a joke like wearing blackface. He is an honest liar when we can no longer trust our cool institutions.

Will Farrell is uncool: Coolness has spoken, and eight years of unintelligent man-child in charge is enough.

Many of you aren’t prepared for these changes, and that’s OK. Maybe you’ll be cool again in a few years. (Probably not, though.) In the meantime, it is critical that we support those who are cool so their coolness may trickle down to the rest of us.

The State of Cool is shaken, but as strong as ever.

Thank you, and God bless the awesome.

5 thoughts on “Take it from Snee: The State of Cool Address”

  1. Will Farrell is so uncool that he makes Schumacher’s Batman & Robin look like Wagnerian opera. that doesn’t make sense, you say? neither does the millions Farrell gets for playing the same idiot manchild each year.

    wait. i’m considered cool now?

    from this day forward, you must pay me to hang out with you.

    the price?

    let’s just say that i don’t get out of bed before 10 AM for less than $10K.

  2. the secret handshake will be taught. but each time i catch any of your white friends using it, i take a finger.

    hey, i don’t make the rules. i just enforce them.

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