A number of factors made the O.J. Simpson trial the Trial of the 20th Century. It involved celebrities, like a young, up-and-coming Kato Kaelin. The charges concerned murder most foul. Its protagonists made strong stand-ins for Los Angeles’ and America’s long-simmering racial unrest, particularly after the Rodney King incidents.
But, ultimately, it was about timing. Not only had the nation forgotten about past contenders like the Scopes Monkey Trial, Roe v. Wade and even the recent Lorena Bobbitt and Rodney King trials, but this was 1995. What trial was going to pop-up before 2000 (technically, 2001) and be more compelling than Nordberg knifing of his ex-wife and some waiter?
It is based on these criteria that I’ve evaluated this young century’s court cases, looking for the first Trial of the 21st Century. And, finally, after nine long years of watching nothing but Court TV, I can report that that trial … is upon us: the Sandra Bullock custody battle.
How does it measure up to last century’s winner? Let’s go to the board:
Does it involve celebrities? God, yes. This trial pits America’s Sweetheart versus Janine Lindemulder, star of over 100 porn films. In the center are some child and her father, Jesse James, the world famous train robber star of Monster Garage and one season of Celebrity Apprentice (which continues to stretch the definition of “celebrity”).
Was it … murder? No.
But! There is a porn star.
Do the persons involved represent current divisive American issues? If there’s one thing Americans love to bicker about, it’s how to raise a child, who shouldn’t be allowed to have children and porn. Unlike past lightweight cases about the rights of terrorists and free speech, this one is sure to turn the grocery checkout lane into No Man’s Land once more.
What about the timing? Superb: it’s been 15 years since the last ToC, and with only one year left in the decade (technically, two), it’s a shoe-in for the Trial of the Decade. (Expect to see it mentioned like woah in I Love the 00’s.)
Some might point out that there are 91 years left in the current century, arguing that this trial could easily be outshone by more interesting ones in the future. Are you finished? Well, allow me to retort.
- More interesting than Miss Congenitality and Mrs. Behavin’ battle over the life of a future Hollywood drug addict? Unless the future starts shaping up, there’s no way we’ll have robocides and aerial hit-and-runs anytime this century.
- So what? The ToC is like Miss America. Does the 1997 Miss America still represent the U.S.? Hell no. Bitch got old. Same with ’98. Hell, even the 2008 winner is looking a little long in the tooth, and the U.S. is a young sexy hot-thing that every country wants inside of them.
Ahem. The point is that–should something be awesome enough or our collective national memory remains ADD-riddled–this is just the Trial of the Century for right now.
But, the most important factor about this trial is that it is a fight between the most universally-beloved actress in American cinema versus a woman who I once masturbated to pictures of as she washed sex toys. (Which was a waste of time since she starting using them right afterwards. Unless someone else used them first … ew.)
The judge has to decide who is most qualified to raise a five-year-old little girl: a woman who has portrayed against-the-odds single mothers for the past 10 years, including as a witch … or a woman who switched to lesbian porn when she got married. You know, out of respect.
The outcome is so obvious … unless the court discovers that Sandra Bullock is as dirty as a tattooed veteran mattress actress. Imagine the stories we could hear if she loses! An icon of the big screen, destroyed forever! The nude scenes that would be sure to follow!
I mean, it’s unlikely, but it makes sense. She is a biker’s follow-up wife to a porn star. Them’s some big d%@ksucking shoes to fill.
I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed as the case unfolds, that’s for sure! And America may never be the same.