On April 12, 1861, Confederate forces opened fire on Fort Sumter, starting a war that would end three days earlier in 1865 at Appomattox Court House.
Because of both sides’ time travel technology, it would be the bloodiest American war until an unfortunate Red Cross “water balloon” fight last weekend in the Bed Bath & Beyond parking lot. (Sorry, Haiti. Maybe you can transfuse next week.)
To honor the brave men and women of Virginia who fought or whored themselves out during the Civil War, Governor Bob “What Homos?” McDonnell proclaimed April to be Confederate History Month.
Some people disagree with this idea, that it promotes a history that is painful to minorities and willfully ignorant. I say it’s perfect, and I’ll lay it all out for you.
Only Confederate history?
McDonnell designated the month only for Confederate History. You see, even if some Virginians may have fought to preserve the Union/piss off their parents/fight for that freedom thing they saw their masters partake in, they clearly aren’t Virginians anymore.
The best part is that anyone in Virginia can claim to be of Confederate ancestry, even if their relatives deserted, surrendered without firing a shot or spent the entire war in the brig for petty crimes. Enlistment papers and genealogical confirmation are all that matter!
What about slavery?
While past declarations include a passing reference to slavery, McDonnell skipped right over that. This is a celebration of history. Letting history get in the way is a buzzkill.
As McDonnell said, “There were any number of aspects to that conflict between the states. Obviously, it involved slavery. It involved other issues. But I focused on the ones I thought were most significant for Virginia.”
And what’s most significant for Virginia right now is to wear old gray uniforms without feeling like racists.
Besides, the Civil War wasn’t about slavery. It was about states’ rights to determine their own economic and legal destiny to keep and afford slaves. You know, like how coke dealers aren’t shooting undercover cops to sell drugs at inflated prices to addicts; they’re fighting to assert their economic and legal right to sell drugs at inflated prices to addicts if they choose to do so.
After all, the North and South would have fought eventually, even if slavery didn’t exist. The Civil War would’ve been about oatmeal versus grits, Old Bay versus Zatarans or the industrial revolution versus a lack of basic hygiene.
Isn’t every month Confederate History Month in Virginia?
Although every off-ramp in Virginia is a battleground, every U.S. History class in their school systems ends at Reconstruction and every middle manager in Prince William County claims to be a “Civil War scholar,” Virginians (real ones, mind you) suffer from having to acknowledge months dedicated to black people, women and Latinos without any similar celebration of their own exploitation of those heritages.
It’s why Virginia celebrates Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson along with Martin Luther King, Jr. on MLK Day.
You may wonder why the Confederates outnumber a civil rights leader on his birthday (which neither share–not even the same week). But, consider this: had those two generals won the Civil War, then Mr. King would be too tired from picking cotton to march to Selma … unless his master told him to. Therefore, you have to celebrate White Southern Failure in order for Dr. King to even exist.
No, really, what’s up with the South and the Civil War?
OK, have you ever seen The Best of Times? Robin Williams is obsessed with the big high school football game he lost 20 years ago because he dropped the winning touchdown pass. Kurt Russell, the quarterback from that game, goes on to become a nobody in his town, his life and marriage in the pot. So, they cook up the idea to have a rematch with their old rival school and win this time, magically making their lives better.
That’s the South. The majority of it has gone nowhere, and they blame it all on that big war they lost in 1865. If you listen to any of them talk about it, the conversation always goes back to:
- “If only Stonewall Jackson didn’t die …”
- “If only Lee had listened to Longstreet instead of Pickett …”
- “If only England had pitched in more like they promised …”
- “If only the refs had called those penalties on Sherman …”
And that’s why Southerners, especially Virginia, focus their brains on Civil War history like Williams’ obsessive reviews of his highlight reels. They believe that, eventually, they’ll get their rematch and–THIS TIME–it’s gonna be different.
It may seem even more sad because, unlike The Best of Times, it’s not the team trying to change the outcome of their lives, it’s the teams’ great-great-grandkids. And the old rival team doesn’t even care to show up to their scrimmages.
But, the South needs the Civil War, if only because it allows them to hearken back to a simpler time when a sixth grade education, particularly in history, was admirable. It’s important to let them hold onto this dream, but never act on it, lest we crush their spirits once again.
UPDATE (7 April 2010): Confederate History Month is over!
UPDATE (8 April 2010): … Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it’s back. Only with slavery this time. Except “Confederate History Month” still excludes Virginia’s Union history, reaffirming once again that Bob McDonnell doesn’t believe brave men like George Henry Thomas were Virginians.*
*Revision: The last sentence originally read, “Except ‘Confederate History Month’ still excludes Virginia’s Union history, reaffirming once again that Bob McDonnell doesn’t believe these brave men were Virginians.”
As reader James pointed out, the Army of Virginia wasn’t composed of Virginians per se, unlike how we would expect armies from Massachusetts to be filled with Massholes, though there may have been a Virginian or two in it. (I can’t verify their roster specifics at this time.)
Thanks for your input, James.
The Army of Virginia was the name of the army commanded by John Pope. It doesn’t reflect the area of origin for the men who were under that command, just its area of operation.
There were men from Virginia that fought for the north, most notablly George Thomas, however.
No worries, man. I got yo back.