Proving that the horse I’ve been whipping isn’t dead, Twenty-Ten (a.k.a. the future) has arrived. Thanks to your efforts to spread the word, people around the world are referring to this year in the manner that will separate us from our primitive 20th Century predecessors.
But, that doesn’t mean we can sit back and enjoy the jetpack ride to our moon brothels. No, now that the year has arrived, some Johnny-Come-Latelys want to go back to the old ways and slip a Two-Thousand-Ten pound shock collar over our necks.
If we value our future, we cannot allow this backslide to happen. The Thousanders (I’m looking at you, Nanette Asimov) had their chance last decade, and where did it get us?! That is why I am giving you a new mission: defending Twenty-Ten.
Why defend Twenty-Ten?
History proves conclusively that years containing the term “hundred,” “thousand” and “million” suck ass. (That’s a term historians use in papers and History Channel specials:
- 2000 was apparently so bad that al-Qaeda held a giant meeting to plan out blowing themselves up.
- 1900 included gems like the Second Boer War, cholera and ship disasters (and yet people thought the Titanic would be a great idea in 1908)
- 1000 (A.D.) was a delightful time for feudalism, lack of medicine, religious intolerance and nothing on television. And that’s all still better than 1000 B.C.!
- 65,000,000 years ago, the most badass creatures to walk the earth are wiped out by a comet. Also, a giant f#%king comet hit the Earth.
Basically, the further we get away from spoken numerical unit years, the better.
Besides, think of the future offered by Twenty Ten; there’s something for everybody!
You like war, right? (Of course you do!) Aren’t you tired of these pick-up matches with third world goat herders?
But, the Future War could be with anyone or anything. Imagine fighting aliens! Or time travellers! Or maybe even Communazis! Could the British want revenge for losing Samoa in 1900?! We can only hope!
Foodies can finally experience unfaked foodgasms with sexually-engineered produce and livestock. (Don’t forget to baste with Astroglide: the gravy of the future!) The Amish may use it as an excuse to continue fucking crops, but in comparison to the Twenty-Ten future, they’ll consider condoms to be quaint, acceptable technology.
(If I’ve offended any Amish, what are you doing on the Internet, hm?)
And if you enjoy sex with the wrong types of things, then you’re gonna love cloning.
Even the religious folk can take comfort that, if Jesus is gonna come back to Earth, it’ll be in the godless distant future I’ve presented, only not so distant at all!
What kind of people “Two-Thousand-Ten,” anyway?
Answer: the worst kinds.
Recorded offenders include Roland Emmerich, car dealers and people who say, “You’re having way too much fun.” Do not be like these people.
Also, science fiction writers from the 20th Century, who aren’t necessarily evil, but short-sightedly wrong about futures they imagined based on their current gripes with government and technology. Is it Arthur C. Clark’s fault that we don’t have artificial intelligence, moon bases and manned interplanetary space flight by 2001? No, it’s also Stanley Kubrick’s for boring policymakers and everyone else with the movie.
How can I defend Twenty-Ten?
The polite way is to merely restate the year every time it is mispronounced, just like in The Goonies or Psych.
I, however, have never advocated the polite way of doing anything.
You could cut off their hand, then casually muse, “If only we lived in the Twenty-Ten future where doctors could grow that back.”
If you don’t mind spending money to prove your point, you could go online and book a telegram to the offender. You know, since it’s the only way to reach someone living in the past.
And if they still insist on Two-Thousand-Ten, you can always report them to me.
Twenty-Ten…Two-Thousand-Ten.
I’ve heard it both ways.
No you haven’t, Shawn.