Take it from Snee: Vampires are totally real

Look, if you bring up Twilight to some of The Guys, they’ll all *pfft* and follow that up with a terse “whatevah.” (I know: we can be so mean.)

However, I can no longer remain silent. You see, young teenage girls who aren’t my wife, I’m … different. I’ve rejected all the limited, childish behaviors of my food-eating peers. I’ve seen dark things, terrible things. I’ve sipped immortality on gossamer wings wearing platform Doc Martins.

I guess what I’m trying to say … what I’m trying to tell you … but, what if you don’t like me? My kind is so lonely that I would give anything to spend all my time hanging out with a nice, less popular girl who likes art. We could talk about your hair.

Enough, my heart is tormented in a bleak darkness that I will no longer bear: I am a vampire.

Did you click the “jump?” You’re still reading?

Oh, finally! Someone to share my secret world! Someone who sees the world through young eyes — naïve, suggestible eyes!

Did I mention I have two ponies? I can only ride one, so it’d be super awesome if somebody could ride the other one …

What? You also like ponies? And vampires? What are the odds?

You know, we should get engaged. This is totally fate.

Just to let you know, there are some rules to this secret world that only you and I, and some other vampires and their lucky fiancés, must abide by:

1) I cannot turn you into a vampire.
I’m a beautifully sad creature, like the last unicorn in Legend. (You love that movie, too?! OMG!) I can’t remain beautifully sad if you’re going to live forever with me. No, every tender moment we share must be tainted with the background knowledge that I will have to bone an old, dying, even less popular version of you.

2) I cannot kill people who pick on you.
If I’m hanging out with you, chances are pretty good that I don’t kill anyone except other vampires because I’m whiney and self-loathing. Yes, I have spurned my horrible, wretched kind because they don’t appreciate nurturing, impressionable girls like you. (Also, vampiresses’ fangs are an intimacy hazard. In the mouth.)

3) I do not go on dates.
Vampires, even good ones like me, do not enjoy malls or ice skating, OK? I may seem gay, but that’s only because I’m tortured.

Speaking of dating, it would be best if I just arrange all of our meetings. Also, I don’t do parents. (They won’t understand us.)

But you know what I do do? Read your poetry. All this darkness and despair you write of … could it be that you knew me before we met? I’ve never shared these feelings with anyone, yet there they are in your velvety composition book. Also, is that a front-clasp bra?

There is another reason I am sad. You see, my love has put you in a dangerous position. There are some other vampires out there who don’t like me. They will try to kill you, so I cannot stress this enough: do not talk to other guys. Any one of them could also be a vampire.

It’s probably funny to you, but I envy your mortality. You can take so many great risks without having to live with the consequences more than 70 or so years. I mean, if anything happened to you, I would be devastated for the rest of my eternal trials, but you get to just let go, live your life on the edge, perhaps by making out with a total stranger who just happens to be your soulmate.

Hey, have you ever been to a Renn Faire? You go every season? Why, it’s amazing I haven’t seen you there! I go because it’s the one place on Earth where I can remember what it was like when I wasn’t a vampire. I’d like to take you on a tour of my home. You own a corset, right?

Oh, yes, I can fly, but I, um, can’t … right now. You see, I have to drink human blood to fly, and I refuse to do that. It’s kind of a dick move. But you know what works just as well? Your dad’s car.

So, yes, I will go to see Twilight with you in a dark theater preferably without your parents’ knowledge. Don’t you just love vampires?

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