Take it from Snee: Wake me up for the real missing link

Just when evolution is about to become an endangered species in public schools, the anti-religious forces manage to dig up a “missing link.” Again.

I’d get excited and use Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians to clean up afterwards, but — no matter how many humans with sloping foreheads or strange teeth or webbed feet they show me — none of these finds have the basic characteristics of a true missing link.

(Of course, when referring to the “missing link” and “evolution” in this article, I’m doing so with my tongue where God created it: firmly planted in my cheek.)

So, until any of the following are found, I’ll just go back to eating Jesus dipped in Welch’s Jesus Lite. (He may be risen, but He needs some flavor.)

A Human with a Tail

I’m not talking about one of those little nubby things filled with half-formed eyeballs, finger bones and coarse black hair. No, not even if it wags. I demand proof that man came from monkeys, not dogs.

It’s gotta be long and used for hanging, if not swinging, from branches.

If you really want to convince me it’s part human, then find some evidence of the tail being used to swing a hammer. (Heavy rocks or clubs are also acceptable, but only to drive nails or crack skulls.)

A Monkey with a Bible

If God created a half-man/half-monkey 6,000 years ago, then there’d better be an Old Testament nearby.

Can’t read the Good News? Just another monkey.

Reading The New York Times? Just a retarded monkey.


What the hell happened to Bigfoot being the missing link? Let me guess, scientists: since your ace-in-the-hole turned out to be mythological, lemurs will pass muster now?

Science used to have dignity. It wasn’t above casting plaster molds of a gorilla suit’s footprints and arguing over grainy Super-8 footage. Let’s get back to what few values you ever held.

An Exactly 50 Percent Monkey-Man/Man-Monkey

You’re probably thinking, “Didn’t you already talk about Bigfoot?” Yes, I did, smartypants. I’m not talking about Bigfoot now.

I am talking about a man that is a monkey from the waist down and/or a monkey that is a man from the waist down. Basically, a mermaid, only half-monkey/half-doable.

Just to be clear, I’m not just listing any monkey-man abomination. The following are unacceptable for shattering my tiny geocentric worldview.

A Monkey in a Spacesuit: You show some respect and put that NASA monkey back where you found it. One day, it’s gonna guide a nuclear missile into Bin Laden’s dialysis cave.

A Man in a Monkey Suit: Don’t think I’m not onto you, Dawkins!

Until science finally shows me one these real missing links, I’ll stick to God creating me in His own image, which means God has a butt that makes turds so big that even He can’t lift them.