Americans are upset at TSA, and it’s not because we’re the only country in the world that requires airline passengers to take off their shoes. We’ve been given a choice between having a digital naked picture taken of us (which will never, ever end up online) or let Bubba Notacop grab a feelsky before we can get through security.
I, however, am not most Americans. You see a police state; I see free hernia checks. (Now who’s providing free health care?) I like the feeling of a security blanket, and to hog more of that blanket, I’ve got a few more recommendations for our Department of Homeland Security.
Card checks at underwear sales
The main component of the Underwear Bomber’s plot was underwear, just like how Sudafed is the main component of crystal meth. We could avoid X-rays and frisks from the get-go if we card people when they buy underwear.
Since the average terrorist is under 30 years old, anyone younger than 35 should only be able to buy frilly weapons of mass destruction if accompanied by an older adult.
Not only will this make us safer, but it should make this the first year where people are grateful to receive Fruit of the Loom for Christmas.
More scanners in more places
It’s understandable that we’re outraged. We’re not used to this type of invasiveness outside of prison. But, if there were more of it, we’d feel safer and more complacent. That is why I am recommending the following industries adopt the “Show or Feel” screening process:
- Bars and nightclubs
- Sporting events
- Schools
- Post Offices
- Banks
Unlike airports, these places have seen more violent events than once every couple of years.
Leak the scans
As online social media has proven, every American believes that–given the right circumstances–they too could become celebrities.
How do ordinary jackoffs with no talent or discernible contributions to society become famous? By leaking sex tapes or nude photos.
Simply upload every scan to Facebook and use the facial recognition software to automatically tag every passenger. They may put up a fuss at first, but that’s only an act to not seem like such a whore.
Ban pilots and mechanics
You see a plane crash caused by pilot or mechanical error and call it an accident. I call it overlooked terrorism.
Think about it: how many U.S. commercial jets have terrorists taken down? Three in the past 10 years. But, there were 122 aviation “accidents” in 2009.
Still don’t believe me that these weren’t attacks on our freedom? Then how come our security standards have gotten more stringent ever since? Somebody’s keeping tally, and it’s high time to put pilots and mechanics on the no-fly list.