I was out in Colorado last week, and figured I’d make up for a lack of TifS with a travelogue detailing my drunken debaucheries pleasant trip with my wife. Unfortunately, it appears that fate and the news cycle had other plans for me.
After all, who am I to argue that a story about a U.S. Representative named Weiner (D-Jockeys) sexting pictures of his wiener is less newsworthy than some breathtaking scenery from our great nation’s minimally spoiled wildernesses?
I can’t. This story is bigger than you, me and (clearly) Anthony Weiner. It’s the white penis in the room. It’s Brett Favre and Kanye West dutch-ruddering each other while former U.S. Rep. Christopher Lee (R-Shirtless) flexes in the corner and the whole country calling them gay.
Put simply: this sad, sad story changes everything I thought I knew about taking a picture of your own penis and sending it to a relative stranger.
Penis Misconception #1: Famous dudes get laid so much
While growing up in a series of government sheds, I knew what I wanted more than anything: boobs. Boobs that I could touch with my wiener. There was a brief time when I thought I wanted my own boobs that I could touch any time I wanted without flowers or asking, but then I failed the V-sit and reach test, disappointing presidents Bush and Clinton.
As sure as I am that bees and wasps cannot breed without dire consequences on our ecosystem, I was also sure that famous guys didn’t have to try as hard as 12-year-old guys did at penising the ol’ chest-tits.
Alas, this appears not to be the case. If a long-suffering Grammy winner, a multiple Super Bowl MVP and sitting members (heh) of Congress can’t get women to come to their offices to see their tallywhackers in person, then what hope do the rest of us have?
This, of course, leads to the next misconception …
Penis Misconception #2: A lot of ladies don’t care for penis pictures
Playgirl, dildos and thousands of years of lingam-worshiping be damned, because apparently ladies don’t really care to see what’s under our four layers of underwear. (Which womens would know is standard, if they ever took a gander down there.)
This raises so many questions like:
- Why did shaving become a fad?
- Do women look before engaging in fellatio, or is this like when they fall into toilets?
- Seriously, though: did I shave for nothing? (My balls are sticking.)
This does, however, explain why Georgia O’Keefe didn’t paint anthuriums.
Penis Misconception #3: Getting caught with your pants down is a career-ender
People seem to be really invested in this idea whenever the pud in question belongs to the opposing political party. Unfortunately, everyone forgets that there is a flowchart you must successfully complete before an elected official has to resign:
1. Was it non-consensual?*
(e.g., rape, sexual harassment, direct abuse of power)
2. Was it antithetical to their family values positions?**
(e.g., Did they run on a “death to adulterers” platform?)
3. Did it make baby?***
(i.e., a baby)
* Rape and harassment applies immediately upon being proven guilty. However, do not be fooled into believing that this takes effect if other criminal activities were involved. Prostitution (David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer) has gone both ways. Murder doesn’t count, of course, if you’re a Kennedy. (Just sayin’, Maria.)
** Of all the important issues to run on, if you believe the most important is whether gay people marry, then you probably weren’t very bright to begin with. Americans can tolerate a lot, but one of those things won’t be a ratio of 3 abortion bills : 0 jobs bills, especially if you get caught in the pickle slicer.
*** You can be a serial cheater and marriage addict like Newt Gingrich, but don’t you dare make a baby out of wedlock. Babies are the AIDS of adulterers. (Also: so is AIDS.)
With all we’ve learned, what does this mean for the future? Only our penises can decide that. And, really, that’s about the way things were before this whole situation.