You know, I thought your average American voter was a reasonably bright, discerning individual. Someone who can learn from past mistakes, and not elect the same failure. It appears I was wrong. America, how could you be so stupid? How could you re-elect Bill Pullman as President of the United States?
That’s right, America. You brainless dolts just re-elected the idiot who nearly let aliens destroy America, nuked a major American city (remember Houston!), and then gave away the secret to destroying our enemy to every nation on Earth, including Russia and China. And, on top of it all, before he at least got in a plane to shoot down an alien, he put on a flight suit and gave a giant “This is our Independence Day, Mission Accomplished” speech.
Speaking of, does anyone know if Bill Pullman actually shot down a single alien? I’ve heard from a few military sources that he made up all of his kills that day and faked a Purple Heart, too.
You can make all the excuses you want, like how he changed his name from President Thomas J. Whitmore in 1996 to President Dale Gilchrist today. Or, how this Bill Pullman is clearly married to Jenna Elfman, forgetting that it’s the same damn Pullman and he basically killed his first wife by leading from behind during the worst alien invasion of the U.S. since Mars Attacks.
You did this, America. And it’s up to me as a patriot — which shares the same roots with patriarchy, or fatherhood — to rub your nose in the mess you’ve made. I hope you’re happy with damning our nation to a new alien menace. Or worse: socialistic fascistic communism-docious! (If you say it loud enough, it really sounds atrocious!)
And the worst part of it all? It’s clear that he bought the young hipster votes by renaming the White House 30 Rock-style. Yeah, we get it: 1600 Penn — it’s the building number and an abbreviation that is actually a cool word, like these pennin’ jeans I’m wearing that make all the girlies scream. It’s always pandering if the president isn’t speaking to my race, age and gender, dammit.
Congratulations, America … for however long it lasts, anyway.
It’s that time of year again where I sacrifice a year of sexual eligibility by growing a mustache. In exchange, you can donate to my Movember page, where I provide daily updates on how it’s growing in. All proceeds go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation, Livestrong (which isn’t having the best PR year and could use your support) and the Movember Foundation.
We join my mustache in media res on Day Seven. My stubble’s now in that awkward phase where it’s not quite a hormone imbalance, but not entirely a respectable sign of paternal authority. This is the hardest part of Movember when, during any other month, a man would look at this attempt and say, “Eh, maybe I’m not a mustache guy,” and shave the damn thing off. But, I will continue with this because
- I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.
- With supporters’ help, I’ve already raised $500, so now I kind of have to.
Can we make it $1000 by November 30th? We can and we will with your support. Go to my Movember page to make donations, track my daily progress, rate my silly face caterpillar and leave inspirational comments. And even if you can’t donate, please like, tweet and “plus one” my page so more people can find it. With your help, my face could go viral like goatse!
Thanks, and may your Movember be filled with mustache wax and caviar stuck in your mustache dreams!