There’s an old favorite insult of mine, that “what you don’t know could fill a book.” It’s used when someone confesses to ignorance in response to what someone else said.
What Michael Bay doesn’t know could fill an entire movie. The unfortunate thing for the Zuckers and Wayans of the world is that Michael Bay has made this film, and it’s Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.
If you’re one of the 70 people in America that didn’t see this movie, then let me warn you: there are spoilers in this article. I don’t say that to warn you, but to assure you that, by the end, you won’t be “at least curious” about seeing this movie. (You’re welcome.)
Just remember that, as you read each point, Bay is allegedly–by his own and others’ accounts–a very demanding director, prone to emotional outbursts and long hours to perfect his vision. His behavior is excused because, as much as he pushes others, he’s supposedly even harder on himself.
Michael Bay doesn’t know how marijuana works.
I can understand if Michael Bay is ignorant to how an illegal drug works. Based on his constant stroking of the U.S. military and cops in his movies, you can tell he’s an authoritarian. That’s why I’ve listed this point first, because it’s as excusable–and hilariously embarrassing–as Mormons trying to cuss.
Scene: Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is moving into his freshman dorm, and his mother (Julie White) is hysterical from an untreated Electra-complex understandably distraught. How does she treat the emotional volcano that is her mouthhole? With a pot brownie she bought from another student.
Michael Bay’s Direction: “CUT! What are you doing, Julie?! You’ve eaten a weed brownie! Run FASTER! Scream LOUDER! Tackle that STUDENT!
“Now, try AGAIN! ACTION!”
Michael Bay doesn’t know how the U.S. government works.
I have no explanation for this, other than Michael Bay possibly fell asleep during all non-helicopter-related lessons in Social Studies.
Scene: Sam, whoever Megan Fox is supposed to be and a couple of aggravating supporting characters track down some mysterious computer nerd that knows something about transformer hieroglyphs. (This is before Megan Fox remembers that she has a Decepticon in her goddamn hat box.)
Low and behold, it is Agent Simmons of Sector 7 (John Tuturro) from the first movie, working in a butcher shop or deli or … whatever. Point is that he’s not a government agent anymore because Sector 7, the sole government agency that studied Transformers, was shut down by the government once they learned that Transformers are real … which they already knew because they found Megatron …
At this point, if I were John Tuturro, I’d raise my hand to ask what’s going on with my character.
Michael Bay’s Direction: “Do you think the Department of Homeland Security will exist anymore when we win the War on Terror? No. Would the Department of Transportation exist if cars were replaced? Absolutely not. Now quit asking stupid questions and readjust your chef’s hat to make it goofier! ACTION!”
Michael Bay doesn’t know how the Air & Space Museum works.
For a guy who seems like he would annoy tour guides at this museum with countless interruptions (“You mean the F-14, which was prominently featured in the AMC-favorite, Top Gun?”), he sure doesn’t understand the basic layout or even location of the place.
Scene: After Agent Simmons reveals the possible location of an old Transformer who can read ancient robot hieroglyphs “in Washington, D.C.,” the team heads 30 minutes west of D.C. to the expanded Smithsonian Air & Space Museum near Dulles Airport in Chantilly, Virginia. The robot they’re looking for turns out to be the SR-71 and a Decepticon. It escapes the building by blasting a hole in the outer wall …
Michael Bay’s Direction: “And … CUT! Great! Pack up this sh*t, we’ve got to shoot the outside of this museum … in the Mojave desert!
“GOOD-BYE, downtown D.C.! PEACE!”
Michael Bay doesn’t know how submission works.
If there’s one lesson Michael Bay wants you to walk away from Transformers 2 with, it’s this: Megan Fox is super-duper hot. Like, so HOT that even machines want to DO her.
Scene: Earlier in the movie, it’s revealed that Sam has, not one, but two sissy little dogs now, who hump each other for dominance. Did you pay attention to that moment in the beginning? Because it’s super important to Michael Bay that you recognize this behavior pattern in animals.
Cut to later in the film. The aforementioned tortured Decepticon decides to become good to serve Megan Fox because she’s so hot. To demonstrate his subservience, the robot …
Michael Bay’s Direction: “What the f$%k is this?! NO! WRONG! The robot humps HER leg because he’s demonstrating HIS subservience to HER dominance! Did you even watch the earlier part with Shia’s F%#KING PURSE DOGS!?
“DO I HAVE TO ANIMATE EVERYTHING MYSELF?! Do it AGAIN!”
Michael Bay doesn’t know how black people work.
Michael Bay can work with some decent black characters, which he tries to prove to the audience with a prominently featured Bad Boys II poster. Even Chief Master Sgt. Epps (Tyrese Gibson) is an interesting character in both movies. Unfortunately, these are the exceptions; the majority of his black characters border on minstrelsy or are laser cannon fodder.
Scene: Reeling from the loss of Optimus Prime (yeah, like that’s gonna last the whole movie), Sam, Megan Fox and everyone else are camping until they figure out what to do next. Sam tries to show Skids and Mudflap some Transformer hieroglyphs, to which they reply …
Michael Bay’s Direction: “’Read? Uh…’ And then the other one says in an even MORE GANGSTA voice, ‘We don’t– We don’t really read.’ Do it exactly like that!”
Some Assistant Director: “Which one says which line? Skids or Mudfl–“
Michael Bay’s Direction: “Who cares?! Oh, and take these notes to those pigf%&kers in the animation department. I want them to have gold TEEF and Big Willie-style ears … oh, and make sure they’re SUVs! If they don’t have rims, give them rims, MO’F#@KA! …”
Some Assistant Director: “Isn’t that a little racist?”
Michael Bay’s Direction: “… And they’re always fighting and calling each other ‘PUSSAY’ or ‘BEE-YOTCH’—oo, they should call BumbleBEE a ‘BEE-yotch!’
Some Assistant Director: “Sir– Sir, are you being racist again?”
Michael Bay’s Direction: “What? NO!
“Well, maybe have one of them get eaten by Devastator, but punch out of his body. We don’t want to repeat the Jazz Incident.”
“This movie’s gonna be SO AWESOME!” He crumples and spikes a can of Red Bull. “F&%K!”