Take it from Snee: What this election really means

It is the dawn of a new day, a Wednesday, here in America, now that we have managed to elect a President for the 44^th time in our history.

There were some among you who doubted it would happen — that the votes would be inconclusive because everyone voted for themselves. I am happy to say that this was not the case, and the nation will continue to have an executive branch for the next four years … despite everything that branch has done the past eight.

Of course, there are also some people who are trying to assign more meaning to this auspicious occasion than I’ve already mentioned above. They mean well, but — like most people who mean well — they are wrong.

1) America is ready for a new black … biopic starring Will Smith.

In 2001, Will Smith played the greatest boxing superstar ever, Muhammad Ali, who also happened to be black. In 2006, he played the greatest homeless man who toiled his way into the career of a successful banker ever, Chris Gardner, who also happened to be black.

Now, Will Smith will play the greatest President of the United States ever, Barack Obama, who also happens to be black.

This role could have been yours, Denzel, but you had to scare the hell out of white people with Training Day and American Gangster. Make some more films about the greatest conservative lawyer who was scared of contracting AIDS from a gay Tom Hanks ever, dude from Philadelphia, and we might talk about a future Chris Tucker biopic.

2) Americans hate Saturday Night Live.

We hate SNL so much that we American Idol-voted Sarah Palin out of the limelight. Sarah Palin: the only funny character on the show. They don’t even have a Barack Obama impersonator, just a white guy in black face.

Once the outrage meter goes crazy over said black face, it’s only a matter of time before Saturday Night Live becomes “Live from Lorne Michael’s basement … it’s Tuesday Afternoon Live!” (With SNL gone, will people get 30 Rock anymore?)

3) Non-voters really were the problem.

After eight (and some would argue 16) years of questionable government, we finally elect a guy who:

• Can pronounce “nuclear.”
• Can stop at two drinks without a prayer marathon.
• Doesn’t list rabid patrio-fanboy-ism as one of his few job qualifications.
• Realizes that the President does more than declare war on things and sandy places.
• Chews his food before swallowing.
• Wouldn’t say, “Awesome speech, Pope” to the Pope in front of a microphone.
• Understands that the economy is a man-made concept that can be shaped by further decision-making, not a living dragonbeast that lives on gold and will recover after eating a few peasants.
• In the words of Yul Brynner, “Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.”

Hm, what’s the difference between this election and those other two? What changed after eight years of nincompoopery?

“It looks like 136.6 million Americans will have voted for president this election, based on 88 percent of the country’s precincts tallied and projections for absentee ballots, said Michael McDonald of George Mason University. Using his methods, that would give 2008 a 64.1 percent turnout rate.

“‘That would be the highest turnout rate that we’ve seen since 1908,’ which was 65.7 percent, McDonald said early Wednesday.”

Huh, so if you vote, then the chances of your favorite candidate go up? Even “notoriously” red states can turn blue if Democrat voters show up to the polls? Wow. Statistics are cah-razy!

So, thanks for showing up this time, ladies and gentlemen, but you’re still not off the hook for the past eight years. Just think what could have happened if you had voted in 2004? That’s right, everyone who didn’t vote in 2004 are personally responsible for every stupid thing done by the guy we knew was too stupid to lead.

Don’t try blaming the people who voted for Bush again; they, unlike us, actually voted for the person they supported back then. You know how you feel right now? This is how they felt in 2000 and 2004: relieved, satisfied, smug and, most importantly, accomplished.

Democrat or Republican, so long as we help keep morons out of our highest offices for the next, oh, 1000 years, we might be able to clean up after this eight-year-long kegger.