Take it from Snee: Who is Hillary Clinton?

Don’t let that McCain ad in our right-hand margin fool you: SeriouslyGuys is, and always has been, a relatively apolitical site. We don’t endorse candidates because we’re issues-driven. (Those issues, of course, are the wars on animals, aliens and education.) That said, when we write about political candidates in the Scurry section, it’s always in the interest of equal-opportunity offense.

So there’s been some bellyaching from Hillary-supporters. They are upset because Barack Obama gets, as they put it, “far more coverage” in the media. In an attempt to balance the Democratic media-coverage spreadsheet, I’ve decided to provide the Hillary campaign with coverage comparable to Obama’s. (You’re welcome, Mrs. Clinton.)

According to Wikipedia (a source never to be questioned), Hillary Clinton was born in Chicago, Illinois to Hugh Ellsworth Rodham and Dorothy Emma Howell, both of English decent. Hugh Clinton was the son and grandson of immigrants from that country and Wales, so it is reasonable to say that he was not far removed from Ye Olde Countrie.

As a young girl, she “earned awards” as a Brownie and then a Girl Scout. The Girl Scouts are of course known for their outdoor activities, including the identification of poisonous plants, cooking and swimming.

She later attended Wellesley College, Massachusetts proving that she learned how to read. She continued to flaunt this ability by writing a thesis and, upon graduating, being published in Life Magazine.

As a law student at Yale University, New Haven, Connecticut, she spent her summers interning child custody cases in Oakland, California. She used this experience to write her thesis about children and medication, arguing that children should be considered competent in court, like when choosing to live with a new guardian or eat apples from elderly strangers.

“Medicating” children … Childhood outdoors in nature … Lawyer … An English name/family background … Formative years in New England … Can read … Does not sink in water … May or may not weigh the same as a duck ….

But the most damning evidence of Mrs. Clinton’s witchcraft is that she has yet to deny it. She shrugs all of this off, and then starts babbling about health care and budgets.

Of course, she doesn’t have to address this very serious political question. In our current politically-correct media, witches are taboo … unless they encourage children to read/make seven movies profitable.

Why, even in Salem, Massachusetts, where the only good witch was not from the North, people have whitewashed over our once proud tradition of rigorously testing, verifying and express-mailing witches’ souls to Hell. No, instead of keeping the ol’ harpy torch polished, Salem and TV Land erected a statue of Samantha Stephens in the middle of town.

As noted before Mrs. Clinton attended school in areas very close to Salem, starting in 1965 (only three years after “Bewitched” premiered). Even if she isn’t a witch (which I highly doubt), her geographical proximity to this town demands that she at least denounce their support of Samantha Stephens and the acceptance of the Devil’s brides.

Right now, Mrs. Clinton is coasting on America’s glamorization of witches, from Harry Potter to Sex in the City. It’s become so fashionable that young men are even drawn to them, branding themselves “witch b-tches” or “hag f-gs.”

If America elects Hillary Clinton president, ignoring the warnings of the Bible and Roald Dahl, then I accept no personal responsibility should she turn out to be a Witchurian Candidate. After all, if it burns like a witch, then ….

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