Today’s “Take it from Snee” is a joint-effort with our little sister publication, Radford University’s Whim Internet Magazine. To fill in SG readers who don’t know the Whimlander, he’s an undead Scottish warrior who was resurrected from the days of William Wallace to protect Whim from all enemies, foreign and domestic. Since I spent a few weeks with the Whimlander back in 2007 to play him in Whimlander: The Movie, I wrote this article as part of Whimlander Awareness Week.
My personal/professional history with the Whimlander is long and storied, as evidenced by my previous articles on him: “I spent the night with the Whimlander” and “Why the world doesn’t need the Whimlander.” If you didn’t read those other articles, don’t bother looking for them. (Like I said, long and storied.)
The point is that I was wrong when I said the world doesn’t need the Whimlander. The current state of the world—and the check from the Whimlander Awareness Program—has convinced me that the Whimlander provides a service to not only Whim Internet Magazine, but the entire world that no mere Superman or Highlander could ever aspire to.
What kind of service, you might ask? Well, I’m glad you might have asked. The Whimlander is the guardian of Whim and, by protecting Whim, the principles we hold so dear in this chaotic world of partial birth abortions, cliche television and trans-fats.
1) Loyalty.
In a world in which people switch political parties or major religions for no pigeon-holable reason, the Whimlander has maintained his vigilant watch over Whim for over 10 years now. Any other undead sentinel could have easily left his post once his original necromancer graduated from college (who wouldn’t?), but not the Whimlander. He’s had more overlords than France, yet continues to obey each one with unequaled fidelity.
2) Diversity.
Even if the Whimlander did nothing to appreciate the diversity in others, he would still be a valuable tool to diversity by being, well, diverse. He represents two minorities at Radford University and, to a larger extent, in the world: the Scottish and the undead. Sure, there are plenty of bagpipers and crazy white people wearing kilts at the Highlander Festival, but how many actually fought the English (outside of a pub)?
Fortunately, the Whimlander does act the role of a diversity change agent. He dates well over 200 women of various ethnicities, body shapes, incomes and hair colors. And, to bring up loyalty again, he’s mutually exclusive to each and every one of them, so he lives out an entirely new level of devotion to women’s studies. In fact, he believes so strongly in women’s liberation that he refuses to “own” any of them as a wife.
3) Adaptability.
Seriously, I need to explain this one? OK.
The Whimlander didn’t leave a cushy second-floor bedroom with a hand-down TV and football phone to come to Radford University. He left ancient freakin’ Scotland and purgatory. One minute, he’s fighting the English at Stirling Bridge; the next, he’s in a void of nothingness to reflect on a short life of subsistence farming and warfare; an eternity/eyeblink later, he’s in the attic of Heth Hall, surrounded by student media geeks in robes. (You follow all that?)
Sure, he had some adjusting to do, like learning to speak discernible English; and maybe he never picked up modern conveniences, like pants; but, he took it all in underwearless stride. If he can live comfortably in today’s society, but still maintain his cultural roots, then we all have a shot at making it off this tiny blue marble called the Earth in one piece.
4) Bravery.
Anyone can say they guard something, but most of them sleep in front of CCTV monitors or man a velvet rope. When Whim‘s Internet service provider dropped Whim, the Whimlander rampaged across campus to let everyone know that this was an insult that wouldn’t be tolerated (and that the magazine would be back up soon). Brandishing his claymore, Winona, he cleaved a path of fury to the dreaded ISP’s office and dispatched the evil executive holding Whim‘s livelihood hostage.
5) Dependability.
The Whimlander may not be the best boyfriend to his baby mama, but he always makes time for his illegitimate Whimlette. Once a week and every other weekend, he takes his child to the zoo. When I prepared to play the Whimlander in Whimlander: The Movie, I spent weeks with the big guy in the Whimcave. He is so dedicated to protecting his Whimlette from Hollywood that I never saw the child, nor ever discerned his/her gender. That, folks, is dependable parenting.
Outside of his personal life, he has never shirked his responsibilities to Whim. Tales abound of his feats, like his battle with rival Internet magazine Wham, the Great Whim Diamond Caper of 1999 and the Opening of the Unopenable Pickle Jar of 2004.
Upon summing up the Whimlander’s resume of positive traits, I’d like to add that he doesn’t just have these traits: he kicks their asses (if traits even have asses). He doesn’t do anything halfway, but engages in every mundane task with the intensity of PETA at an all-you-can-eat puppy leg buffet.
The Whimlander performs his duties for no paycheck, only out of his sense of righteousness and his unholy binds to the Executive Director. By protecting Whim, he guarantees that the world will never go without a testing ground for young college writers. By sticking to and exceeding his principles, he is an inspiration to each and every one of us to be a little Whimsical. By simply existing, he proves that not only is there life after death, but life and death again.