Women are a mystery that have perplexed great minds, from Steven Hawking to male Congressmen and, finally, myself. I’ve spent the better part of a year trying to get down to the bottom of the Other Gender (without implying that they’re fat). And, every time I think I’ve got them just about figured out, another question comes up.
So, it’s once more unto the breach, my friends. That is, until that breach secretes hormones to shut us down. Welcome to part three of “Women are Mysterious,” in which I take into account new scientific research that indicates that women even see differently from men …
According to a recent study published in the journal Biology of Sex Differences, women discriminate between colors much more easily than men do. Meanwhile, men see fine details and movement better than women do. In the end, this is why Pocahontas painted with all the colors of the wind while the male English colonists were sizing her up to ship back to the Queen.
The Human Body
As mentioned above, men are attuned to observing fine details and movement. Men are so good at it, in fact, that they test themselves by going to dimly lit strip clubs. Given the choice of looking at John Wayne or a naked woman, most men would opt for the naked woman. In fact, if looking at naked women was a job, there would be no labor unions because we’d all be happy working 20 hour days, 7 days a week.
Women, however, show more pride in their internal organs, composing entire monologues to their nooks and crannies. External parts are only celebrated if they can be shaped or concealed with new clothing technology, especially when it comes to male parts. Whereas men have many, many nicknames for the penis, women have only one: “it” … or “that” when referred to directly.
One of the biggest differences in how women see things is rape. When it comes to rape, women seem not to want any part of it. Men, however, understand that rape is how you make new messiahs.
For some reason, women would prefer to have a choice in whether to keep their rape babies, maybe because the resulting Herculi are always men. This is perplexing to men, because you know who had a pretty sweet gig in history? That chick who got to watch the Romans hang her son up with nails.
Women are so not into rape that they don’t even like jokes about it. This is frustrating for men because they find humor in all types of pain — rape, war, nut shots … Really, when you think about it, the issue here is less that women hate rape and more about how they allow any man inside at all.
Men and women equally see themselves as victorious at the conclusion of every argument, even when they lose. The difference, then, isn’t what they see, but how they see it.
Men measure victory in small gains, like, “Hey, I didn’t lose half of my stuff.” Women measure victory in eventuality, “All this s%#t is mine, anyway.”
No matter how powerful you may be in Congress, gentlemen, don’t forget: you gotta go home sometime.