Take it from Snee: Yes I can (serve on your cabinet)

So, the election is over, which means President-elect Barack Obama has until Jan. 20 to appoint his cabinet. If he fails to do so, then history will remember him as “that guy who didn’t have a Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.”

I just want you to know, Mr. President, that I won’t let that happen. If you get into a pinch, I am qualified to fill any of the following positions.

(Oh, but don’t call my current employer, OK? My boss doesn’t know I’m considering cabinet positions.)

Secretary of State

I’m not saying I’d make a great foreign policy adviser, just the best one in American history.

While I have offended many, many Americans, I have yet to offend any foreigners. This might be because they don’t speak English. As Secretary of State, I would encourage all other countries to “step it up a little” and learn how to talk to me. (England, Australia: keep up the good work.)

Since I know you’re a bit of a liberal, you need me to balance out this change stuff. I’d be a throwback Secretary of State, like when the Bears from your native Chicago wear old jerseys. If someone starts copping a ‘tude, I can just have NORAD send them a nuke basket. Or the always diplomatic sniper bouquet.

Secretary of the Treasury

In my lifetime, I have maintained up to five piggie banks at one time, which is five times more than most people. Each of those five banks contained one type of coin currency (one had pennies, another nickels, etc.).

You’re probably wondering how I managed to use five. That’s because one had half-dollars in it. 15 dollars’ worth. I dare you to name another candidate for this position that’s ever seen that many fifty-cent pieces.

Secretary of Defense

I have defended America no less than 20 different times from various menaces, including:

  • Kane and the NOD terrorist organization
  • The Soviet Union
  • China
  • The GLA
  • Nazis
  • The Kilrathi
  • The Galactic Empire (Hey, if they won a long, long time ago, there wouldn’t be an America today.)

If I can do that on my computer, just imagine what I could do with a Pentagon!

Attorney General

As a blogger, I know everything there is to know about the law, especially Constitutional law. I have debated many legal positions on Fark and, although nobody would admit it, was always right.

Secretary of the Interior

As a boy scout, I’ve lit at least four forest fires, three of which were accidental. The fourth one was just so I could say “four forest fires.” Alliteration is just one of my many qualifications you didn’t even think to look for in a cabinet member.

I also once artificially inseminated a bear with deer semen to broker a peace between those two majestic animals. (See also: my application for Secretary of State.)

Secretary of Agriculture

I have eaten every animal you can find on a farm, even a barn owl.

Secretary of Commerce

Unlike many other Americans, I never ran a lemonade stand as a child. Why, you might ask? Because lemonade sucks, especially when handcrafted by children.

As your Secretary of Commerce, I promise you that I will make all children work in heavily supervised factories with mostly self-guided machinery. I refuse to allow Americans consume inferior beverages.

Secretary of Labor

If I can’t get a kid a job as Secretary of Commerce, I will sure as sh-t do it as Secretary of Labor. Who are you to deny employment to a child? This is a recession: we’re all in this together.

Secretary of Health and Human Sciences

Um, hello? I’m an Internet doctor.

My credentials include high school and college biology (101 and 102), reading Men’s Health (2001-2003), and a systematic exposure to almost all health hazards (1981-present).

I have delivered exactly zero babies because I refuse to look at pregnant women, so you know I won’t help overpopulate the country. Also, I don’t believe in flu shots because the flu isn’t real, just the universal excuse for skipping out on work when you don’t have lumbago.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

I’m from the streets, sir. I know what it’s like to not have enough allowance and how to survive a potentially embarrassing school dance date. I have lived in houses that would make a very wealthy person feel claustrophobic. (1000 square feet? What is this, Japan?!)

As for urban development, I am prepared to put a high end department store on every block with lots of cops. You know, to scare away the … poor people, Mr. President.

Secretary of Transportation

I hate airports. I would work overtime every damn day just to make them less stupid.

Also, all cars must come with heads-up display that allows you to pretend you’re shooting other cars, complete with simulated explosions. I guarantee that this will lower the national number of road rage incidents by all of them.

Finally, all highways should be paved with reflective material so that it at least seems like the future has flying cars.

Secretary of Energy

Say it with me: Gilligan Bikes.

White people are a renewable resource that is constantly obsessed with weight. They will pedal in a room with other white people for days, so long as techno or Journey is playing. Afterwards, they will brag about the “distance” they “travelled” that day and how “fast” they “got there.”

(Another possibility: a way of collecting energy generated by “air-quoting.”)

All we, the government, have to do is keep filling the media with skinnier and skinnier people. And then declare more and more foods as dangerous. Hell, crackers are already convinced that they should only drink water. (It’s OK for me to say “cracker,” President Obama, because I’m white. It’s our word.)

Secretary of Education

Oh, man. I would totally own this position.

Dig this: we teach the kids some math. Some addition, some subtraction, and if they get that down, we move them up to multiplication.

Just not division. I refuse to allow our schools to raise a generation of dividers.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs

I refuse to apply for this position. The affairs of veterans are their own.

Secretary of Homeland Security

I would personally fire whoever decided we need to take our shoes off at airports. There was one attempted shoe-bombing, and it failed, horribly.

Seriously, the guy tried to light his shoes, which did not contain enough explosive to take out an airplane, with matches. He might as well have tried to light them off with an applesauce fart.

Every other country in the world knows that shoes aren’t that big of an issue, but food odor on a massive scale is. Whoever unleashed this on the nation is checking in with Unemployment.

4 thoughts on “Take it from Snee: Yes I can (serve on your cabinet)”

  1. “artificial insemination”?

    hah. who are *you* kidding?

    i would be the Secretary of Awesome(sauce).

    hah. who am *I* kidding?

    i already am.

    cocky grin

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