Anyone who read Calvin and Hobbes as much as I did already knows where this is going.
Resolutions are stupid because, even if you accomplish them, the world has not changed for the better. Unless your resolution was to fix the Middle East or invent virtual porn for sex offenders—that could help.
Unlike Calvin, it’s not that I necessarily believe that the rest of the world needs to shape up to accommodate me. Some of these are also improvements that I must make along with the rest of our beloved unwashed readers. See? I wouldn’t ask you to do anything I wouldn’t. Just like the carnie with three fingers said, “Shut up and get on the ride, you pussy.”
With that said, read on to find out what I’ve resolved for you, you pussy. (It’s not derogatory if I quote someone I just made up.)
1. Pronounce it “twenty-eleven.”
This resolution starts now. Right now, before the new year. And you must commit to it entirely. You can’t slip up and call 2011 “two thousand-eleven” and not get angry when someone else says, “I’ve heard it both ways.”
We had a chance at a real future, the future that has already been delayed eleven years. But no! The car dealerships and Roland Emerichs of the world won out and we’ve lived in a “might as well be 1989” 2010 since.
Think about it: employment went down, but not because our jobs are done by robots. They’re done by Indians and Malaysians.
Of our top grossing Christmas gifts, one is an electronic book that operates on Tiger hand-held game technology …
… and the other is a broken laptop.
Our biggest disasters were an oil spill (been there, swabbed that duck) and a blizzard. A blizzard? What is this? Little House on the Prairie? You know things are bad when even terrorists are stumped because nuclear bombs were so-o-o Iran Contra.
We need a future, a real future, a “twenty-eleven” future before it’s 2012 and the Mayans are laughing their headless corpses at us.
2. No, really: pronounce it “twenty-eleven.”
The world and jet pack commutes are counting on us. Get this right, and we shouldn’t need any resolutions for 2012.